Lesson #7. Forgive.

I don't think I learned the true meaning of forgiveness until I was in my 30's.  Before that, I wrongfully thought that if I forgave someone, it meant that I was saying whatever it was is OK.  Since then, I have learned otherwise.  I now realize that forgiveness is much deeper than "taking the crap" and giving the wrong-doer the ticket to hurt me again.  


Most of the time, forgiveness won't feel fair.  Trust me.  I know pain.  My Father was an alcoholic.  Luckily, he was never a physical threat to me or my Mother, but his actions and words cut like a knife.  In his drunken stupors he would cuss, bang things, and slop around the house.  He cheated.  He lied (a lot).  He stole money and fudged financial records.  He wasn't there for me.  He forced me to be the adult for him.  There was never such a big sigh of relief as the day he packed his alcohol and left. I'm not joking either, that is the only thing he took with him.  And then he vanished.  Lord only knows where he hid out for years on end, but I wouldn't hear a thing from him or about him.


But then, just when I thought the coast was clear, he would creep back into my life promising change and renewal.  He would tell me he quit.  Really?   The hope I had for this man was enormous, but naive. Though I spent years in counselling and Al-Anon, nothing can prepare you for a face to face meeting with someone who should be your role model, but instead is broken and falling apart.  


I cannot tell you how many times my Father broke my heart.  Honestly, I don't really like to think about it anymore.  Just over two years ago, I forgave him.  I don't talk to him anymore, but more so to protect myself and my family, not out of anger.  I feel great compassion and sadness at the same time.  I wish that there was hope for him, but he doesn't want help. He just wants to do his thing and hope people don't see him for who he really is.  I tried to help him, my church tried to help him, as did my Mother and his family.  I am sad, but not accountable any longer.


This is what I learned about forgiveness.  You can let go of the personal anger towards a person, but still feel pain.  It will allow you to make sound decisions regarding the boundaries of a relationship.   People are human.  Only God is perfect, so expecting perfection out of others is not wise.  People are going to fail you and hurt you. Holding a grudge or anger only hurts you.  It gives the wrong-doer an excuse to not face the issue.  When you forgive, you offer your hand and another try at the relationship.  There really isn't anything in my book that is worth stewing over and over for years.  Your anger will become you.  It will hold you back from trusting and trying again. 

Forgiveness will bring peace in your heart.  It will allow you to begin releasing the anger or resentment you hold for a person and even increase you overall understanding of compassion.  It quite possibly could save a relationship.  It is a choice that is solely in your hands.  

I see forgiveness as a three step process:

1. acknowledgement of the problem
2. choice to forgive
3. changing your thoughts to that of compassion instead of anger

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.  - Gandhi


And in closing, I'd like to ask forgiveness from my son, Charlie.  Someday, he will be old enough to no longer think this picture is funny.  In the mean time.....I'm going to keep getting tickled pink over seeing it!!!

for·giveVerb/fərˈgiv/

1. Stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.