Lesson #16. Take a leap of faith.

There are many talented people who haven't fulfilled their dreams because they over thought it, or they were too cautious, and were unwilling to make the leap of faith.  ~James Cameron

Big day today at our house.  My husband, who has been at a crossroads for quite some time about his career path, showed up unexpectedly around noon.  Hours lately have been insane to put it mildly.  Some nights until 7:00 PM and six days a week have become the norm.  Great, you say, considering the economy has been so sketchy and there are so many people out of work.  Well, it has been great to have a paycheck.  His unhappiness in his dead end job, not so much.  

Now granted, he wasn't working at a fast food joint making $7 an hour, but as far as a career goes, it's been extremely limiting.  Since we've been together, he switched job twice.  Once, because the business closed.  Second time, we moved from Hawaii to Georgia....can you say l o n g commute?  What I'm trying to say is that he's a good employee.  He is an expert in his field and the work he produces never gets complaints.  And, honestly, I'm not exaggerating because I love him.  It's true.  He's really good at what he does.

I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.  ~Larry Bird

Since moving to Georgia, the company he took employment with has changed ownership, moved into a new facility, and turned all employees into sub-contractors.  Not all at the same time, but over the years, the job changed.  It was OK at first.  He's really good at going with the flow.  He's not a complainer, doesn't make waves on the job, and does what is expected and beyond.  I never heard a thing from him about being unhappy.  

About a year ago, it started.  First, he mentioned going back to school.  Strange, I thought, as he is really good at what he does and makes good money doing it.  If that's what he wants, I was behind him.  He talked about changing careers altogether.  That seemed scary to me, considering he'd be starting at the bottom of the barrel.  Ultimately, I told him I would support any changes he decided to make, even though I had some serious fears about bills stacking up or going unpaid.  

Over the past 6 months, his work turned into a job.  The company preferred fast work over perfect work and that was terribly uncomfortable.  Soon his pride and joy became meaningless, demoralizing, and he went because he had too.   For him, work is an important part of his life, especially since he enjoys what he does.  When asked and expected to work below his level of expertise and sacrifice quality, it effects him to the core.  

So, back to the beginning of the story.  He pulled in the driveway at noon today and I knew something was amiss.  The first thing out of his mouth was "Well, I did it. I left me key and I'm not going back."  Somehow, despite the recession and the bills and the three little kids we have to feed, I felt content.  My husband took a ginormous leap of faith.  I'm actually happy and sure of him finding success.  His initial thought was to find some job for the transition period until he has his own business running, which is logical.  I told him to test the waters before settling.  Before the day ended, he found work for tomorrow and next week. 

I see that he is at a crossroads.  He can choose to make a lateral move and keep on doing what he's been doing.  Or he can finaly choose to take the road he's born to take.  It may be narrow and winding and full of potholes, but he's going to be great.  Don't get me wrong, there is a lot to be said for planning and waiting for the right moment, but sometimes the right moment smacks you in the face and knocks you down.  I'm not a big believer in walking off jobs or burning bridges, but when the fire inside you burns so hot that you can't stand it, sometimes it takes a leap of faith.  Sometimes, it's OK to listen to your heart, step up to the very edge of your reality, and jump with all your might!

The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore.  ~~Dale Carnegie

Lesson #15. Turn off the TV.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. ~Ann Landers

How many hours a day to you spend sharpening your skills? How much time do you spend doing things you love? Talking with your friends and family? OK, now how much time do you spend spaced out in front of the TV? According to studies done by A.C. Nielsen Co, the average 65 year old person has spent 9 years glued to the TV. By those standards, if you value that time assuming an average wage of $5/hour, the wages missed would be $1.25 trillion. The average number of DVD's rented daily in the U.S. is a staggering 6 million. With all that said, only 49% of Americans say they watch too much.

I'm not suggesting you grab all TV's and toss them to the trash, but it's important to be aware of how easy it is to get caught up in spaced out mode.  Growing up, we lived in an area that couldn't get cable TV even if we wanted it.  The antenna would give us three channels on a clear day.  So guess what we did?  You won't believe it.  We played with our friends outside, played games, and ate together...at a table!  In our family, we are sticklers for family dinner time and the kids love exploring outside, but that does not exempt us from watching too much TV.  I'm ashamed to say that as I write this, my 2 year old is being educated by the Fresh Beat Band.  Ugh.

Like anything, done in moderation, it's fun, interesting and relaxing.  Quickly, though, it can become a routine...drawing us in and away from the things that are important to us.  Can you see this?  Sitting there, flipping through 5000 channels, finding nothing, while there are kids who would love to go outside and play catch.  Laundry beckons and dishes call, yet surfing through one humdrum show after show has you sucked in.  As my 8 year old would say...."that's lame!"

When there are so many skills, crafts, and dreams you could be working towards, why waste time and energy on the sofa?  Get up, get moving, and do something productive.  There is an awesome world out there, please use your time wisely and build your skills.  A bright future is ahead of you, but the TV will not get you there....YOU will!

Lesson #14. What you need to know about first love.

There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.  ~Francois

Oh, the first love.  You're going to have one, that's inevitable.  Will it be unforgettable? Probably not.  If you Google 'first love', there are about 334,000,000 matches.  Does that tell you something?  Word is, that it can even set the tone for future relationships.  In my case it really didn't, but I think my first was a one of a kind, don't find them around each corner, kind of person.  Your first love will be super special to you too.  Not only while you're experiencing all your firsts, but for a long time to follow.

I've always considered myself lucky to have had the first I did.  To the best of my knowledge, he was good to me.  I say it that way because I was young, totally in love and probably saw past a lot of things that I shouldn't have.  In my eyes, he was perfect.  Flawed, but perfectly flawed.   I would wish that everyone could be so fortunate.   He was cute and goofy and driven, but he also made me feel safe and as though I could conquer the world...the entire world.  He was my first love, my first kiss, and my first FIRST.  How can you forget THAT person?!?! 

 He may not have set the tone for my future relationships, but he absolutely shaped me into the person I am today.  We were as opposite as opposite can get.  I was shy...he could be heard in the next town.  I was the onlooker...he was being watched.  I was worried...he was free.  My parents held a tight leash on me...he didn't live with his parents. The lessons I learned from him have stuck with me even pushing 20 years later. 

So, what is today's message?  If there was anything I could teach you about first love, it's this.

• Pray that you get a good one.  Make a wise choice.  We're going to talk about your first sexual encounter in a later post, so for now, I will leave it as this.  Make sure you want to remember this person forever.  Is he worth space in your brain?  No matter how hard you try, there will be this little corner in your head that will have him burned into place.
• Enjoy, but don't overindulge.  Probably an impossible feat, but nonetheless, important. It is so easy to let our first love become our entire world.  You want to be with him all the time and if you aren't with him, you're thinking about him.  Sometimes, it's hard to fall asleep because thinking of him is better than any dream you could have.  Leave yourself space for friends.  They probably won't want to date him as well.
• Memories are golden, but don't let it run your life.  When I looked up info on first loves, there are all sorts of people who reunite after 20 or 30 years.  That's unlikely and there is probably a good reason you aren't together anymore.  When I got married, I had a little "get rid of stuff" party in my parents garage.  I had to let the letters and memorabilia go.  It has no place in future relationships. 

I still think about him from time to time.  I always wonder if he's OK and whether he married or had kids.  I think about the first time the rumble of his Firebird pulled into my driveway.  I remember watching the planes take off and planning our escape from reality.  I remember the first note I ever passed him and our first kiss. I swear I remember everything. His birthday, phone number, his LOCKER COMBINATION...holy crap!  Sometimes, I wonder if he ever thinks of me, but I think what I remember of him would say he's onto bigger and better things.  And, of course, I remember how heart wrenching it was when I saw him for the last time...knowing that I would never see him again.

 

I had a great time with my first love.  In many ways he set me free from my own inhibitions. He taught me how to enjoy being goofy and free without forgetting our responsibilities.  I always felt safe and special when I was with him.   He was patient with me when he needed to be and pushy when I needed to be pushed. There was a time in my life that I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.  No other person I've dated ever came close to the special bond between us, but he was my first love after all!   He is one relationship that I've always been proud of and don't feel ashamed of.  I exposed myself completely and know that I only gained from the experience.  I have no regrets about my first love.  I pray that you meet someone as special and magical as mine.  

Thanks, Chad.  You changed my life for the better. 

You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever.   ~Unknown

 

Lesson #13. Say your sorry.

 Never ruin an apology with an excuse.  ~Kimberly Johnson

Simple message for today.  When you hurt someone, say you're sorry and mean it.  None of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes.  Better to be brave and make amends quickly.   When you do something that hurts someone and you don't talk it over and express your feelings with that person, it can carry the pain out and make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Sometimes, you will be tempted to say sorry and tack on an excuse why you did the person wrong.  Please don't do that.  It makes the apology feel disingenuous. If you've done wrong and someone is hurting, keep it real.  Show them and tell them that you did wrong and want to make it right.

Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.  ~Margaret Lee Runbeck

There is nothing worse that feeling the guilt of hurting someone, especially when it's someone you love and care about.  Don't let sour feelings linger...it will lead to an uncomfortable situation at very minimum and at worst....a lost relationship.  Saying sorry is a gift we can give to someone after a wrong to try to make it right.

That's it.  That's all I'm saying today.  Keep it real, OK?  Don't mess up a relationship because you couldn't fess up and apologize!

Lesson #12. Be a safe driver.

 It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.  ~Author Unknown

Someday, you are going to get behind the wheel of a car and drive off into the sunset.  Oh, how I dread that moment.  Adults all know how distracted and inexperienced a teenage driver is.  Some adults never grow out of it.  My prayer for you is that you will put embarrassment aside and proactively save your own and others lives.  Being a safe driver starts with you and ends with others.  Not only do you have to do your share of smart driving, you have to learn to assume that other drivers won't.

At this point, you probably already know that I poke fun of your Dad all the time for driving like an old man.  He goes out of his way to not put himself in a dangerous situation.  My joke is that he'd rather waste my gas driving around a parking lot to the "easy" exit than just pulling out the main exit.   I joke that he follows other cars with about a 1/2 mile in between.    He drives slow as molasses.  All joking aside, I know we're safe in the car with him at the wheel, even if it takes us a little longer to get somewhere.

Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer.  ~Author Unknown

Follow the rules of the road! 

Don't follow too closely!       Since I've been driving, I have been rear-ended three times.  My biggest driving pet peeve and fear are tailgaters.  One thing I will never understand is why anyone thinks its a good idea to ride in my tailwinds.  It's so dangerous, I just wish people with that much desire to hurt other people would stay home.  There are two things I want you to remember about tailgating.  

1. Don't do it.  You never know when the person in front of you will have to stop quickly.  Or if you look away for a second, just a little tiny second, you could end up on top of them.  If your frusterated by a slow driver, be thankful that they are holding you back.....it might just be an angel helping you avoid an accident.

2. Let them go.  If someone is tailgating you, just pull over and let them go. It's best for everyone.  My best guess is that someone who would knowingly drive dangerously and choose to put themselves and me at risk, must be mentally unstable or angry.  You don't want someone like that right behind you.  They are likely to hurt you.

Follow the Speed Limit!   You didn't set the speed limit, but it's our responsibility to follow the guidelines set for us.  I'm sure that the people who did set the speed limit did it using common sense and statistics.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm going slow for the road, but that isn't my decision to make. Sometimes, people wiz by me.  Oh well, I say...I'm sure they didn't post a speed limit as a suggestion.

However, there is a time when speeding is not only OK, but safer.  If you are driving on a highway and the speed limit is 65, but the traffic is whizzing along at 68, it is safer to stay with the flow of traffic.  Don't use it as an excuse to speed, but use your judgement and keep other drivers in mind.  On the highway, one person messing with the flow of traffic can have horrible consequences. 

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.  ~Mac McCleary

Use your turn signals!  A good driver plans his next move. For example, if you are driving down the road, following safely, but the person in front of you quickly slows down, it can throw you off.  If you are driving and know that your turn is coming, be prepared to signal.  It gives the person behind you warning to slow down.  I know it seems basic and obvious to use signals, but many people don't.  It's terribly unsafe to not let others know what is going on.

Pay Attention and drive!  There is nothing more important than paying attention to your driving and other drivers while behind the wheel.  Put the phone away, change your music at a stop light, and no eating.  If you drop something while driving, kick it out of the way of the pedals and get it later.  Worry about makeup and hair at home before you leave.  Don't pick your nose (it may cause a distraction to other drivers....LOL!)  When you are at the age when you want friends in the car with you, keep the noise to a minimum.  

Stay calm!   Road rage is very real.  Not long ago, I got caught up in the fast lane on the highway.  I had my blinker on to move right, but the opportunity to switch lanes was not there.  I picked up my pace as I had a very angry man behind me in a very large old pickup truck.  With three kids in the car, I watched in my rear view mirror as he flung his arms up and his angry face was screaming up a storm.  The woman in the passenger seat sat quietly.  As I said a quick prayer, I felt for this woman who was probably not only scared to death, but embarrassed.  I finally switched lanes and as the man passed me he swerved at my van filled with my babies and forced me into the breakdown lane with dust flying behind me.  I was scared out of my mind.  That happened almost a year ago, and I still have a hard time getting into the fast lane on the highway.  Luckily, we were all safe, but somewhere down the road, that man is going to hurt someone. 

If you feel frustrated on the road, do something about it.  Breathe deep, pull over, listen to calm music, but don't jeopardize yourself or others.  We all have moments where we wish we were the only one on the road, but we're not.  People all have the right to a safe trip, so if you get an angry burst on the road, please acknowledge it and respond properly.

When involved in a road rage incident, take a deep breath and ask yourself if the actions are worth your life.~ Grant Boles

Don't drink and drive!  It's never a good idea to drive with a brain that isn't fully functional.  How easy would it be to break all the other rules I've talked about when your head is in a flutter?  There is never, ever, ever a time when it's OK to drive after drinking. There is a quote by an unknown person that states that there are dumber things than driving drunk, but the list is very short. Call me, call a friend, call a taxi!  Please don't drink and drive.  It could ruin your life and possibly the life of other people.

Please use your head and be a safe driver!

Lesson #11. Don't get fat.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.  ~Cicero, Rhetoricorum LV

It's easier to do it right the first time, than to have to lose the weight.  Most diet plans will emphasize the importance of a healthy diet and exercise.  Take a look at the advertisements on TV, in magazines, and on the internet.  I have no idea what the percentage is, but it would be nearly impossible to go a day without seeing an ad for a weight loss pill, plan, or program.  The reason for that is that we, as a nation, are fat.

Just like anything, doing it right the first time will save you the aggravation of having to do it over.  How many times have you done something halfheartedly and then realized that it wasn't going to cut it?  Now, you must start from scratch and fix it.  You have created double work for yourself, not to mention added aggravation!  I will never forget this important lesson my Grampa taught me a long time ago.  He asked me to clean out the microwave and I did.  He looked at it and pointed out crumbs and gunk that I had missed.  And then he asked me to do it again.  "UGH!!!", I was so angry. I already did it once.  Had I done it right the first time, I wouldn't have been in that position. 

A healthy body is so important.  There is a phrase that says "without your health, you have nothing."  I learned that was true when we discovered little bruises ALL OVER Alice's body.  She was about 4 at the time and there was no reasonable explanation for the bruising.  Off to the doctors we went.  After some blood work and a check up, we were sent immediately to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta for further testing.  I asked her pediatrician what he thought it could be and he told me that the bruising is a very common 'symptom' of leukemia. Wow!  I can't even write this without tears developing in my eyes.  

The next day, we drove to Atlanta to see a specialist.  As a Mom, waiting to hear what was wrong, I promise you, my world had stopped.  NOTHING else mattered at that moment.  When the doctor came in, I was at the edge of my seat, waiting to hear what the future had in store for my beautiful baby.  "You're daughter has ITP.  If your daughter has to have a blood disorder, this is the one you want."  I'm not going to bore you with all the details of ITP, but it's a blood disorder that often times goes away in kids.  After months of guarding her from head injuries and cuts, it just went away.  

And then Charlie came along.  The kid is a happy little thing, with little being the key word.  After a series of blood tests, stool tests, and an intestinal biopsy, we finally figured out why he is such a shrimp.  At 18 months, he had never even made it on the growth chart.  The other problem was his poop.  You've never smelled smelly poo poo until you've had a child with Celiac Disease.  As a Mom, I've dealt with my fair share of stinky things, but this stuff chased me out of the room.  OK, seriously though, Charlie has Celiac Disease. In a nutshell, he can't eat gluten or lick Play-doh or eat Chap-stick.  The gluten gives him a bad belly ache and without a change in diet can lead to all sorts of bad things, including Cancer.

So, why am I telling you about blood disorders and Celiac disease?  Because these things are out of our control.  I have no idea why Alice got ITP or why Charlie ended up with Celiac disease. Those things are out of our hands, so we accommodate his diet by shopping the outer rim of the grocery store and pray that the ITP never resurfaces.  There are many diseases and disorders that are out of our control.  People have to fight them with medications and treatments.

Being overweight is not out of our control.  There are few cases where it may not be your fault, but those only cover a small percentage of overweight and obese people.  Most of us become overweight because we make poor choices over a long period of time.  However, the problems associated with being obese are very real.  Heart disease and stroke.   High blood pressure.  Diabetes.  Cancer.

Gallbladder disease and gallstones.  Osteoarthritis.  Gout.  No fun.  Studies show that losing weight has a significant positive impact of all of these problems.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.  ~English Proverb

  

Please hear me when I tell you, do it right the first time.  Eat well and give your body the exercise it needs.  I have so much weight to lose and now I'm in back track mode.  Had I not overindulged in unhealthy foods for so long, I would be so much healthier.  I wouldn't be fighting my bad habits and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.   I would not be embarrassed every time I walk by a mirror. I would enjoy shopping for clothes.   I know what I need to do and yet I find it incredibly hard to change my ways....even knowing the damage I'm doing.  

I cannot tell you how many times I wished I had just not gained the weight to begin with. There were so many times over the years when I knew I was using poor judgement with my habits, but ignored my head and fed my mouth.  I regret every overweight pound on my body.  I know that losing it would build my confidence and make me feel a million times better, but I don't do it.  Losing weight has been one of my biggest battles.  Please don't get fat.  Stay healthy.  

There are NO benefits to being fat.  There are a TON of benefits with being healthy. ~ Me.

Lesson #10. Spread your wings and fly.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.  ~Richard Bach

The good things in life, like the butterfly, take time and lots of hard work.  Caterpillars are weird little suckers that eat and eat and transform themselves into something else completely. What a wonderful lesson from God.  You have the ability to become a beautiful butterfly, too.  Like the butterfly, it's going to take lots of hard work and determination. Right now, you are the catepiller, learning the ropes, eating to grow, and setting up for your future.  

What does your butterfly look like?  Butterflies come in all colors and shapes and sizes.  The beauty of being human, is that we choose our colors.  Some people choose the easy route and sit back and watch, but my wish for you, is that you work hard to fly with wings you've created.  Choose your colors and start to spread those wings.  

Go at life with gusto.  Sometimes it's that first step that seems so scary, but in the end, you'll be thankful you did.  It's like jumping out of a plane.  You could chose to sit in the plane and watch everyone else jump.  Thinking about what it must be like and wondering whether it would be scary or if you'll crash. You can imagine the wind in your hair and the view from above.   You imagine how powerful, yet small you'll feel all at the same time.  You have two options, sit back and land with the plane or jump.   I can only pray that you will chose the latter.    

When we are upon a big decision that will impact our life, we usually have choices. Some of those choices will be easy.  Others will be challenging and that when you need to realize that you are the fat little caterpillar ready to become a butterfly.   Don't let obstacles get you down.  If there weren't obstacles, we would appreciate what we've done to get where we are.

My first years of college were spent playing.  I was focused hard on the wrong things and letting the important stuff slide.  Failing classes left and right was embarrassing and disappointing.  I think I somehow thought I could dance on through and everything would work itself out.  I quickly, well maybe not so quickly, figured out that I was the one in charge of my future (and my grades) and failure wasn't going to be an option.  I switched colleges, but had to write a long letter to the new college basically begging them to give me a chance.  My track record was shady at best and on a wing and a prayer, they decided to take a chance on my ability to change.  I made new friends, put on my big girl panties and made the conscience decision to buckle down.  

It was that first report card with multiple A's that took my breath away.  For real!  I was so overwhelmed by my own ability, it started something good.  My caterpillar had hatched!  I completed my Bachelor's degree with honors and went on to get my MBA.  It wasn't easy, but once I spread those wings, following through was effortless.  I actually did better than I thought I could.  Amazing yourself by discovering your talents and skills is a great way to spread those wings.

One day, after college and before having a family, I felt empty and without direction.  I found myself in counseling, trying to work out my sadness.   It was as though I was at a stand still moment in my life.  Between life stages, I guess you could say.  I told her I longed to travel and see new things. After asking me a series of seemingly simple questions, she asked me a profound question.  "So, you have no kids, have no financial obligations, and are finished with school?"  "yes." I told her.  "So why don't you fulfill your desire to travel?"  I went home that Monday, called a friend, and very soon after, was on the road.

From Massachusetts, we drove to the most southern point of Florida, through New Orleans, to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas.  We ventured up to Seattle, through the redwoods and down to Santa Cruz and ultimately ended in San Fransisco.  If there could have been wings attached to the sides of my pickup truck, there would have been. It was so much fun, waking with the sun and seeing tons of new and exciting places.  It was like a dream vacation on steroids.   

It was during that drive that I realized how small this world really is.  Before I left, it seemed so scary and huge, probably because it was unknown.  Like I was this little nobody trying to make a dent in this big ole world.  I realized that only by spreading my wings and stepping off into that unknown, would I find and reach my potential. To become a butterfly, you can't go at it halfheartedly.  It takes lots of hard work and determination to find out what you really have inside you.  

Lesson #9. Fight for you marriage.

 

Money troubles.  Infidelity. Lies. Addiction. Difference. Indifference. Abuse. Boredom.  Religious strains. Child rearing differences.  Lack of commitment to the marriage.  Abandonment.  Personality Differences or irreconcilable differences.  Differences in personal and career goals.  Different expectations about household tasks. Interference from parents or in-laws.  Lack of maturity.  Intellectual Incompatibility. Sexual Incompatibility. Insistence of sticking to traditional roles and not allowing room for personal growth. Falling out of love.  Cultural and lifestyle differences.  Inability to deal with each others petty idiosyncrasies.  Mental Instability or Mental Illness. Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime....FAILURE TO FIGHT!!! 

Did you ever notice that all love stories end when the prince and princess marry and ride off into the sunset?   Sunshine, smiles and handsome lads.  Or the man and woman are at the alter and there are tin can's dangling from their bumper.  Once the rice is thrown and everyone cheers and waves, tin cans go dinking down the street behind the car of the happy new couple.  This is where the credits start to roll.  

Only Lifetime for Women movies start at the wedding.  La dee da...everyone's happy at the wedding.  Oooh, the bride is so beautiful.  The new husband is a sweety pie and the Mother-in-Law is her new best friend.  The birds chirp.  The angels come down from heaven and bless this union.  And then, life happens.  The wife starts to ___________________(insert bad behavior from above) and the husbands starts to __________________(insert another bad behavior from above).  Heck, the husband and wife also_________________, ______________, and ___________________.  This movie's gonna be a doozy.  They always are.


Such is marriage.  Even with a strong and loving marriage, there are differences.  We marry, go on our honeymoon, and then go home.  That's where the marriage truly begins.  No person is perfect, but when you put two imperfect people together...for life...it would be pretty silly to expect sunshine and lollipops.  Now, that's not to say that a marriage can't be beautiful and wonderful because it certainly can.  Most of us have to grow into that.  

Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.  ~Simone Signoret

Years of experiences woven together make for a strong bond.  I can't imagine giving up all the moments we shared because we aren't willing to accept our shortcomings and change.  I know that we have many "learning experiences" yet to live and I don't want to start over.  I want to take all those mini experiences, weave them together and fight hard for our marriage. Hopefully, after hard work, compromise, and practicing forgiveness, we find that happy medium place where bad habits and annoying behavior learn to appreciate (or deal with) each other.

You will hear many "rules" about how to have a good marriage, but in my book, there is only one. Never stop fighting for your marriage.  Take your vows seriously and be willing to work hard.  Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being a good and devoted wife or just plain stupid.  Addiction has plagued our marriage and given us our fair share of drama.  Financial troubles have been the result of our lack of communication and immaturity.  We have encountered in-law "help" and had to deal with each others brooding and stubborn behaviors.   Oh, and it doesn't end there.  We are so dysfunctional, but we do it well.


Matthew 7:4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?
Something inside me keeps me praying and full of hope that we can get over ourselves and be led by a greater love.  Over the years, all of our flaws have been exposed to each other, much to our own humiliation.  I have learned that always criticizing him gave me a free ticket to not look at my own messed up life.   Sure, HE has more problems than me (LOL), but what good would it do to drag and nag and become his old hag.  Once I quit being his Mother (eww) and started being his partner, my flaws surfaced like a volcano.  How disgusting was my overeating, my temper tantrums, my critical nature and my untreated depression.  God help me...I don't even want to be married to me.

This is my brain realizing I'm flawed.

 Lift him up and hope he leads the way I need him to be.  A strong man will want to be the leader in his home.  He will want to be the bread winner and the respected head of household.  We are kind of old fashioned when it comes to marriage.  We both like the idea of him working and me being here to take care of the kiddos and clean the house.  We are not perfect, but we fight hard for it.  Sometimes, the fight is unbearable.  Sometimes, it's so hard, it's hard to look at him and love him at the same time.  Through the good times and the bad, we work hard at communication and compromise and we are constantly trying to prioritize what's important.

 I have chosen to love and cherish this man and my hope is that he will do the same for me. My prayer is that however imperfect we are, that we lead our kids into a positive and honest  view of marriage.  I want them to know that although we fight, we love each other.  Even though we don't always agree, we are working on a fair compromise.  Marriage isn't easy and I hope that you don't ever get that idea.  When you expect a happy easy ride and the potholes attack, you may want to pull off the road.  Please don't get me wrong.  There are situations where you should throw in the towel.  But, in my opinion, there are many marriages that could have been saved by choosing to fight.

T

I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar! ~ The Odd Couple

 
Fighting for your marriage is a conscience decision.   Be smart and pick your spouse wisely for you will look at him or her for the rest of your life.  Know in your heart when the situation deems divorce, please don't put yourself in harms way.  Understand that marriage is such a blessing when two people choose to be honest and loving and devote themselves to each other.  Fighting for your marriage will be one of the most rewarding challenges of your life.