Lesson #24. Find your own nuts.

 

God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.  ~J.G. Holland

OK, let's set the scene.  There's a family of squirrels in your yard.  They have furry little bodies and they run around frantically up and down trees and in the grass and leaves.  They check out the bird feeders and they dig around in the yard. When the Dad and/or Mom squirrel doesn't feel like busting their heinies all day for nuts and seeds, the handout squirrel stops by their nest with a free bag of nuts so the baby squirrels won't starve.  The handout squirrel also sets up delivery for more bags of nuts, to be delivered each month.

Mom and Dad squirrel are siked.  Now they can freely jump from branch to branch and watch the other squirrels being frantic.  Mom and Dad get a little chubby.  A little more lazy.  Their nest falls apart and they find someone else to fix it.  Baby squirrels need help learning how to find nuts and Mom and Dad send them to squirrel school.  Mom and Dad have it good.  Baby squirrels, not so much.  

Alright, I know this is silly.  Squirrels don't have a handout squirrel.  Let's think about it for a second though.  What if they did?  (Eating from our bird feeders doesn't count...that's fair game in finding food as far as they are concerned.)

Bottom line with humans is that we are animals.  Smart animals! Smarter than a squirrel, at least.  So why, when we don't feel like working hard, do we seek out the handout squirrel? Why doesn't someone tell the human..."Tough crap, dude! Get to work!"  Now, before a bunch of you have a cow, I am not suggesting that we will never fall on hard times that are out of our control.  Nor am I suggesting that a handicapped person be expected to do more than they are capable of.  What I am suggesting is that when put up against a tough time, use your brain, your body and your time to figure it out.

I'm not very good at quoting the Bible, but there is a verse somewhere in there that says that when you put your faith in God, things will often times get worse before they get better.  The beauty of this is that being uncomfortable forces most of us to change things.  If you sit on a pine cone, you're probably not going to stay there, right?  Same with hardship.  When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, the best thing to do is to try to make it better, with faith in God and in yourself.  God never said, when things get tough, sit back and watch TV.

This is my lesson for you.  We ALL find ourselves out of money or out of food at one point in our lives.  If someone tells you they haven't struggled and they've found success without failure, they are lying.  Tough times should be looked at as opportunities for growth.  They should be viewed as life lessons.  They should not be viewed as an opportunity to seek a handout.  

Take a lesson from the animal world.  It is unlikely that a Mom or Dad will let their babies starve, they will work harder and longer and be more creative.  I bet, that without public assistance, we would not let our babies starve either.  We might be feeding them rice and beans, but parents wouldn't sit and watch TV with a starving child in front of them.  Unless they are mentally sick, in which case, this doesn't apply and they shouldn't have children anyway.  

Sometimes, family and friends want to help each other out and I think that is great...what goes around come around.  In many cases, the receiver will understand how wonderful it is to receive and will possibly become the giver later in life.  The problem I see and want you to avoid is the sense of entitlement that so many people seem to have.  You are not entitled to the money your neighbor has earned, but if the neighbor see's your pain and chooses to help, that's gracious.  

• Don't expect life to be easy.  
• Don't expect someone else to fix things when they're broken. 
• Don't expect a paycheck when you don't work.
• Don't expect success without hard work.
• Don't feel entitled to things you didn't earn.

The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving. Albert Einstein

Lesson #23. Release the coulda shoulda woulda's from your vocabulary.

“All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' In The Sun,
Talkin' 'Bout The Things
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done...
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All Ran Away And Hid
From One Little Did.”
~~Shel Silverstein

That Shel Silverstein guy sure was funny. Smart too. I had just borrowed Where The Sidewalk Ends from the library (for my kids...LOL!) when this poem struck a cord with me. I can't speak for everyone, but I know that if I had a penny for each time I uttered one of those words, I'd be swimming in money. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

Let's break it down....

coulda Looking into our past is fun, heartwarming, and can bring a smile to our face. Memories are like a warm cozy blanket. If only all memories could be described as such. Some memories leave us thinking "blah blah blah...I coulda...blah blah blah". Though remembering can be fun, the coulda's should only be looked at as a moment of growth. A lesson to be learned. Not even the wealthiest of the wealthy can turn back time, so what's the point in dwelling on something you coulda done? Perhaps if you think about it hard and long enough it will change the present. Yeah, um, not gonna happen. Quit with the coulda's, living there can hinder your present successes.

shoulda You shoulda, huh? Well, do it now. Commit to not avoiding what you should be doing from this point forward. Most of us have a sense of what we should be doing, but the want to (or not want to) often overpowers it. Be smart. Shoulda's can lead you to big trouble. Not being responsible is a big one. I shoulda paid my car insurance. I shoulda lost this weight 10 years ago. I shoulda listened to my Mother. The lesson with this is that you know what you need to do NOW and you can't change the past. Start doing what you should do regularly and you won't be left with this word lingering on your lips.

woulda I woulda mowed the lawn had I know the weather forecast called for rain. I woulda kept my mouth shut if it meant I could keep my job. I woulda had money in the bank, but that new car screamed at me from the dealers lot. You see the pattern. I see woulda's as a lack of preparation and knowledge. Be aware of what is going on now and what possibilities lie ahead. Now, you shouldn't play the game of worry, but a quick scan of any situation can give you enough information to know what the outcomes could be. Woulda's are easily avoidable, use your noggin.


Strike these words from your vocabulary. Flush them down the toilet. Recognize what being smart looks like, learn how to make smart decisions, and follow through. Sometimes, a little work today saves you a LOT tomorrow!

 

 

Lesson #22. Choose a career!

"Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life."  ~~Confucius

I know that envy is a sin.  Along with overeating, it is my biggest issue.  Not for peoples money or looks or clothes.  Nope, not any of the "normal" stuff.  My issue is career based.  I am going to confess now one of my biggest regrets.  I never chose a career.  Sometimes, I like to blame my family for not explaining the importance of it and pushing me to make a choice, but deep down I know it was my flub.  I decided somehow the way it would work and I was WRONG.

I was under the impression that a college education was the foundation to a career.  I wrongly thought that if I went at my education 150%, I'd be set to go on graduation day.  Colleges talk it up too. You see it on TV and in print advertisements.  You might see "Ann Smith" who just completed her bachelors degree and is now making more money than ever and has many more job opportunities.  Au contraire!  It might happen like that for some people.  Maybe they have a can do spirit or they know the right people.  For the rest of us...a plan is a must.

In my opinion, education without direction is as useful as a flashlight without batteries.   Someone told me in the beginning of my college years that a business degree was a good one to get because it offered a lot of flexibility.  That is advice I might offer up to my least favorite enemy.  Talk about setting someone up to fail.   Now, I'm not saying business degree's are a bad thing, but you had better have a goal in mind and stock up on extra classes that specialize your education somehow.  

In a nutshell, I have a Masters Degree in Business that isn't worth a dime.  In fact, the cost of it is going to hinder my financial strength until I'm about 65.  I'm not kidding.  I am so angry and embarrassed of my college decisions, I could spit.  Throughout the years in college, I often times wondered if the other students felt they weren't learning anything either or if it was just me.  I learned about theories, laws and statistics, but gained no skills.  

I am not dismissing the importance of college.  What I'm saying is that education before career choice is like buying gas for a car you don't own.  It simply doesn't make sense.  If I had it to do over, I would pick something...anything...and figure out what I needed to become that anything.  I would have focused on experience building and learning valuable skills.  I probably wouldn't have an MBA.  Had I received the direction I obviously needed, someone would have recognized my dream of owning a small hotel.  Someone would have pushed me to pursue the hotel and hospitality field.  Someone would have shown me how to create a plan of action.

I am 37, have LOADS of college loan debt, no skills, no experience, and can't even begin to figure out how to build them up.  I have many entrepreneurial ideas and dreams, but with no skills, I have no decent income, which leads to no savings and big debt.  I wish I had a skill that I could market.  Something that I was good at. Something that someone would want me to do.  

It is depressing to be "overqualified" for a secretarial position, but under qualified to be the office manager.  Overqualified to do data entry, but not qualified to work in upper management.  I missed the boat on my career.  At 37, there is no way I would go back to school and learn how to do something now.  I fear that I will be stuck in little office jobs and retail for the rest of my working years.  

Please don't do what I did.  

Choose a specific career or skill and go at it with gusto.  I know this entry sounds like a pity party and, yes, I'm having a low day today.  Looking at the classifieds makes me sad and angry at the same time.  There are thousands of career choices out there.  Have something in mind.  Have an idea of what seems fun and interesting.  Be very intentional about your career choice.  Don't tell yourself that you want to be a doctor, figure out what kind of doctor you want to be.  Don't limit yourself to business degree, focus on accounting or human resources. 

I will be an instrument in helping you decide your career path.  Not just any instrument, either. I'm going to be a drum set on overload.  I'm not going to push you down a path because I want you to go there, but because I see your interest.  I won't push you to be a pain in your butt, but to help kick start the rest of your life.  Pick a career. Focus in school.  Find success in your work life!  And remember what I always tell you...most things stink when you're just learning them, but once you've mastered it, it's one of life's greatest joys!!

Lesson #21. Have a role model.

Example has more followers than reason.   ~John Christian Bovee

Most smokers come from homes where parents smoke.  In fact, studies show that children of smokers are twice as likely to start smoking between the ages of 12 and 21 than those of parents who don't smoke.  I can almost guarantee that these parents haven't encouraged their children to smoke.  I can't picture them sitting little Becky down and telling her what a great stress reliever smoking is and how she should take it up ASAP. Quite the contrary.  These parents know, even more so than a non-smoker, that starting is the worst thing you can do.  And yet kids see our actions much more clearly than they hear our words.

 Studies also watched the behavior as it relates to obesity.  They also found that 48 percent of children with overweight parents became overweight, compared with 13 percent of those with normal-weight parents.  Ouch!  With the epidemic of an overweight society on our hands, what does this mean for the future of American children?  If you eat the wrong foods or too much of them, it's likely your kids will too.  If you don't make exercise a part of your life, they probably won't either. Kids are going to follow your lead as far as taking care of themselves, so modeling behavior you wish for them to adopt is crucial.

We all hope our kids will be bright, successful and wise adults.  The truth is, what they look up to, is what they will model.  It is extremely difficult to break out of a mold that you have grown up in.  It is hard for people to sway from what they see as the norm.  Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? No fun.  It can almost make you feel a little crazy in your head.  Almost like writing with the wrong hand. Kids need to be led.  Kids need a role model (or two or three) that they can use as a reference as they grow up. 

Aside from the usual parent role model, there is also something bigger than that out there.  Role models come in all shapes, sizes and backgrounds.  There are stories of fame, strength, and smarts.  Kids latch on the role models for a variety of reasons, but mostly because they are enamored by what the person stands for or has accomplished.  Given the right role model, it can be extremely motivating. For a parent to notice a role model in a child's life is wonderful, because it allows the parent and child to talk about why that person is spotlighted in the child's life.  It gives great insight into the inner workings of what is valued in your child. 

Recently, my 8 year old daughter, Jane, watched Soul Surfer.  It is the story of Bethany Hamilton, the surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack in Hawaii.  Jane latched onto this movie like a favorite blanket.  She asked many questions throughout the movie and continued to talk about it the next morning on the way to school.  This has been the first time I've ever seen my child so moved by a person's story.  I believe Bethany is a big inspiration to all of us so we have divulged in any information we can dig up on her website and the internet so Jane can see the full scope of this young woman's life thus far. It's been almost a week now and the questions continue.  Though Jane made it clear that she is bummed out that we don't live by the ocean so she could surf, she seemed game for trying skateboarding...which Bethany did as well.  

I find myself thrilled that my daughter would choose such an honorable role model instead of the hot to trot little pop stars (though she also LOVES Justin Bieber) and I want to keep the ball rolling.  Bethany has inspired tons of people.  She has encouraged other amputees and young surfers just learning the ropes.  She has also shown people her love for God.   This girl has taken a tragic accident and used it to touch people all over the globe.  Seriously...who doesn't want to make that kind of impact???   Even with the high price she paid, her commitment to others is ten fold.

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness,heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.  ~~Bethany Hamilton

As a parent, I know that even with all the best intention, I am an imperfect person.  To be real honest, I wouldn't want my kids to follow a lot of the things I've done.  My hope is that they will see me for what I am now and not how I got here.  I will encourage role models that they welcome into their lives because I know that the impact of peoples actions can be more motivating than Mommy yapping about what they should and shouldn't do.  As the old saying goes....actions do speak louder than words.....even if they are someone else's actions!  Get that ball rolling!!!

Lesson #20. Make a big deal out of the (good) little things.

Yesterday, Alice turned 6!  She had a fun day all around and fell into bed already half asleep before bedtime. Our goal for the day was that she know how much we love her, value her and how extremely special she is.  We wrote messages on our van, decorated the house in pink, and I even tried my "no-so-Martha-Stewartish-hand" at a princess Barbie cake!  Nothing was expensive or hard to do, but it took effort.  Most importantly, it took knowing our little girl and what she would love to make this day special for her.

We hear it all the time, don't we? Don't sweat the small stuff.  Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Valid messages, but what about when the little stuff is GOOD? I agree that when you over analyze or dwell on a negative that it grows legs.  Meaning that losing perspective on a small issue by talking it over and over or thinking about it too much makes a little thing bigger than it is.  It allows that little issue too much space in our life.  In the long run, it creates negativity and sour feelings over things that shouldn't be given that much energy.  

Let's not minimize a birthday, because I think most of us already know that those are a pretty big deal.  I'm talking about celebrating little moments with gusto.  Showing the people we love that we have noticed them and want to celebrate them.  Do things for your friends and family that shows that you've noticed what's important to them.  Ask how their day was and really listen.  Don't just tell them you love them....show them.

A while back, I started something with my daughters that is so simple, but it means a lot to them.  Every Monday or Tuesday, after dinner, I take one of them to go run a few errands. We rotate back and forth weekly, they keep track so I don't have to.  The errands aren't anything more than running to Wal-Mart or the craft store though sometimes we'll stop at McDonald's for an ice cream cone.  It never lasts for more than a few hours, but with three kids in the house, they long for one on one time.  At first, the one who stayed home would pout and stomp around because they didn't get to go, but it was quickly resolved once they saw the routine being created.   I figured out what was important to them and did it! 

With my husband, I find that staying a step ahead of him is what he notices.  When I take his truck and it's low on gas, I'll fill it up.  If he's mowing the lawn, I'll have tea waiting on the porch.  I love when he asked me for something or mentions that he has an errand to run and I can tell him it's already done.  It's cheap, it's easy, but he notices that I thought of him.  


Feeling appreciated and loved is like fuel for our soul.  Positive reinforcement works.  Wouldn't it be a better if more people focused on and celebrated the positive things in life rather than the negative?  Wouldn't you be more motivated by celebrating small accomplishments rather than hearing about your mistakes?   And frankly, people already know what they need to work on and it probably already takes up too much space in their head.  Most us have the tendency to digest the negative and feel embarrassed of the positive.


Well, I say, heck no!  I'm not going to spend my time telling what your doing wrong.  I'm going to celebrate the A on your spelling test and the good attitude you had when you cleaned your room.  I'm going to make a big stinking deal out of your birthday and Valentine's day and maybe even President's day.  Who knows, maybe you will be president some day!

Lesson #19. There is a lot to be said for keeping your shirt on.

We've all seen those pictures.  Girls drunk, girls topless, girls puking.  It sure does muster up some gross images, doesn't it?  At times, these pictures are funny or just so bad that you can't help but to look.  Unfortunately, people do look...a lot!  Google good girl and you get the opposite.  Google drunk girls and there are almost 4.5 million results.  Oh, all those Mothers must be so proud of their daughters.  Most of us will find ourselves in a party situation a few times during our young adult years, but you need keep your shirt on and your head straight.

Let's fast forward through any drunken shenanigans.  You've now done high school and college and are ready to start your career.  You get your resume looking tip top and dress your best.  You deliver it to the potential employer.  The employer is impressed.  They are ready to hire you.  And then, they Google your name or look at your Facebook page.  This is where you need to make sure you haven't set yourself up for an indecent failure.

Now, in some careers, it may not matter, but in others, it's vital.  Let's hope that elementary schools aren't hiring young teachers with topless photos online.  Can you imagine?  What if you decided to get into politics?  You're drunken or nude pictures will be dug up and everyone will see them.  What if you want to become a lawyer or doctor and every time someone searches the internet to check credentials, your breasts are the first thing they see.  Probably something of your past, but no less something that will hurt you.

One day, you will meet your significant other.  Any person with class wouldn't want to be associated with someone who thinks it's funny to be so drunk that you would allow topless or "bathroom" pictures to be taken.  On the same note, I would hope you would run from that as well.  People that are so out of control or so lacking in morals aren't going to go very far.

And then there is your Mother, Father and someday your own children.  If you wouldn't take nude pictures of yourself in front of me or Dad, don't do it.  You wouldn't get so drunk that you are out of control with us either, do don't set yourself up to be taken advantage of.  Some day, you will probably have your own kids and you won't want them to stumble on indecent photos of you.  

My message is this.  It's not a good idea to be out and about acting like a fool.  Those actions will track you down and hurt you.  Unless you strive to be a porn star or a reality TV star, they will embarrass you.  (And by the way, you aren't allowed to do porn or reality TV....Mom and Dad say so.) 

Pictures speak volumes about our character, especially when these pictures are revealing.  People, employers, even colleges use the internet every day to get an idea of what a person is like.  Over exposing yourself will do you no good.  And what's even worse about it is that it will be floating around in cyberspace......forever.

Again, I know you're going to go out and have fun (sign...gasp), but use your head.  Don't ever get so out of control that you are doing things you wouldn't want Gramma to see.  And for heavens sake, keep your shirt on!!! 

Lesson #18. Enjoy the hot, the cold and everything in between.

It doesn't matter if the water is cold or warm if you're going to have to wade through it anyway.  ~~Teilhard de Chardin 

Life is going to throw you good times and bad.  Some of it will be within our control, other times, not so much.  The only thing you can always control is your reaction to it.  As a young and immature person, tough times would often times leave me throwing a 'woe is me' party.  I wasn't able to see that it takes tough times and happy times to live a full life.  Without trials, how could we possibly enjoy the simple moments? 

What if every failure caused people to give up?  What if every challenging relationship ended?  What if Albert Einstein was a quitter?

 

Listen to what Otto Neugebauer, a historian of science, said about Albert Einstein:

As he was a late talker, his parents were worried. At last, at the supper table one night, he broke his silence to say, "The soup is too hot."Greatly relieved, his parents asked why he had never said a word before.  Albert replied, "Because up to now everything was in order." 

 In 1895, at the age of 17, Albert Einstein applied for early admission into the Swiss          Federal Polytechnical School (Eidgenössische Technische Hochschule or ETH). He passed the math and science sections of the entrance exam, but failed the rest (history, languages, geography, etc.)! Einstein had to go to a trade school before he retook the exam and was finally admitted to ETH a year later.

Can you imagine?  People are often times right on the very edge of success when they hit a pothole....and retreat.  Oh, the tragedy. Know that handling those potholes with dignity and wisdom will get you further in the end!  Personal failures are expected in life.  If we were perfect, life would be pretty boring.

There are also uncontrollable bad times.  Perhaps a family member gets very ill or passes away.  Maybe you lose your job and suffer through financial hardship.  Maybe someone does something horrible to you.  Unfortunately, it happens.  That's part of life.  One thing that I have learned over the years is that the way you handle these trials far outweighs the trial itself.

How you view these tough times illuminates who you are.  We've all seen it.  Someone gets served a meal that isn't up to par or is graded poorly on a school paper.  Arms flail.  Maybe they mutter under their breath.  And then, in a worst case scenario, the blame is passed.  Please don't fall victim to the blame game.  Even if it truly is someone else's fault, what good will it do anyone to dwell on it?  Fix it, try harder, ask for a remedy.....quickly and politely. 

My message to you is to appreciate all the moments we live through, hot or cold.  There are moments to enjoy and moments to endure.  Lessons to be learned and sometimes lessons to teach.  Without tough times, happy times will feeling fleeting.  Savour those happy moments, however small they may be!

Have the courage to act instead of react.   ~~Oliver Wendell Holmes

Lesson #17. Smell my finger. (and other times you should say no)

"Go ahead, Mom...smell it.  Yeah, I know I'm sweaty and covered in dirt.  Come on, please! Why not?  Please smell my finger".  Any takers?  Didn't think so.   There isn't much less appetizing than a grubby little finger getting shoved in your face.  Well, this isn't going to be about stinky fingers or pulling fingers or anything like that.  It's really about knowing when to say no and doing it in a way that you will be heard.

We've all been in that situation where someone wants us to do something that we're just not up for.  Whether its lack of time or that it interferes with our morals, there will be times when a 'no' is in order, regardless of how uncomfortable it is for you or the receiver. There will be big no's and small ones.  Some that come easy and others will make you squirm.  Some no's will be serious, others kind of funny.  

Knowing and standing up for yourself is a building block to your future.  Knowing who you are as a person is more important than knowing what you are (as in a career).  Sticking up for yourself by putting your foot down is sometimes a very necessary.  Though sometimes a challenge, you will be stronger for doing it.  As young people, we are succumb to peer pressure.  Decide who you are and stick to your guns.  

You will find that as you get older, your days become shorter.  I know that's hard to believe, but it really does feel that way.  And once you have your own children, you will see that being pulled in three directions from kids, work, husband, friends, etc. can get tiresome.  You and your time become the hot commodity.  Just getting the basics done in a day can be overwhelming, but when someone asks to get your help or to watch their kids...a challenging day can become pretty brutal quickly.  Most people love to help friends and family and the school where their kids go, just keep yourself in check.  If you spread yourself too thin, you aren't worth much to anyone.

People will always want to to agree with them and do what they want you to do.  Letting people down gently is something you should firmly and honestly.  Don't give excuses and reasons that aren't really true.  Honesty goes a long way. Especially, when someone asks you to do something wrong.  Saying no to peer pressure shows your friends that you are confident enough to stand your ground.  Although they may pick on you initially, they will ultimately respect you for being the strong one.  Be the leader...not the follower.

No is a powerful word that should be used wisely.  Be polite, but firm.  Say no and mean it!

The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes. ~~Tony Blair 

Lesson #16. Take a leap of faith.

There are many talented people who haven't fulfilled their dreams because they over thought it, or they were too cautious, and were unwilling to make the leap of faith.  ~James Cameron

Big day today at our house.  My husband, who has been at a crossroads for quite some time about his career path, showed up unexpectedly around noon.  Hours lately have been insane to put it mildly.  Some nights until 7:00 PM and six days a week have become the norm.  Great, you say, considering the economy has been so sketchy and there are so many people out of work.  Well, it has been great to have a paycheck.  His unhappiness in his dead end job, not so much.  

Now granted, he wasn't working at a fast food joint making $7 an hour, but as far as a career goes, it's been extremely limiting.  Since we've been together, he switched job twice.  Once, because the business closed.  Second time, we moved from Hawaii to Georgia....can you say l o n g commute?  What I'm trying to say is that he's a good employee.  He is an expert in his field and the work he produces never gets complaints.  And, honestly, I'm not exaggerating because I love him.  It's true.  He's really good at what he does.

I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end.  ~Larry Bird

Since moving to Georgia, the company he took employment with has changed ownership, moved into a new facility, and turned all employees into sub-contractors.  Not all at the same time, but over the years, the job changed.  It was OK at first.  He's really good at going with the flow.  He's not a complainer, doesn't make waves on the job, and does what is expected and beyond.  I never heard a thing from him about being unhappy.  

About a year ago, it started.  First, he mentioned going back to school.  Strange, I thought, as he is really good at what he does and makes good money doing it.  If that's what he wants, I was behind him.  He talked about changing careers altogether.  That seemed scary to me, considering he'd be starting at the bottom of the barrel.  Ultimately, I told him I would support any changes he decided to make, even though I had some serious fears about bills stacking up or going unpaid.  

Over the past 6 months, his work turned into a job.  The company preferred fast work over perfect work and that was terribly uncomfortable.  Soon his pride and joy became meaningless, demoralizing, and he went because he had too.   For him, work is an important part of his life, especially since he enjoys what he does.  When asked and expected to work below his level of expertise and sacrifice quality, it effects him to the core.  

So, back to the beginning of the story.  He pulled in the driveway at noon today and I knew something was amiss.  The first thing out of his mouth was "Well, I did it. I left me key and I'm not going back."  Somehow, despite the recession and the bills and the three little kids we have to feed, I felt content.  My husband took a ginormous leap of faith.  I'm actually happy and sure of him finding success.  His initial thought was to find some job for the transition period until he has his own business running, which is logical.  I told him to test the waters before settling.  Before the day ended, he found work for tomorrow and next week. 

I see that he is at a crossroads.  He can choose to make a lateral move and keep on doing what he's been doing.  Or he can finaly choose to take the road he's born to take.  It may be narrow and winding and full of potholes, but he's going to be great.  Don't get me wrong, there is a lot to be said for planning and waiting for the right moment, but sometimes the right moment smacks you in the face and knocks you down.  I'm not a big believer in walking off jobs or burning bridges, but when the fire inside you burns so hot that you can't stand it, sometimes it takes a leap of faith.  Sometimes, it's OK to listen to your heart, step up to the very edge of your reality, and jump with all your might!

The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore.  ~~Dale Carnegie

Lesson #15. Turn off the TV.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. ~Ann Landers

How many hours a day to you spend sharpening your skills? How much time do you spend doing things you love? Talking with your friends and family? OK, now how much time do you spend spaced out in front of the TV? According to studies done by A.C. Nielsen Co, the average 65 year old person has spent 9 years glued to the TV. By those standards, if you value that time assuming an average wage of $5/hour, the wages missed would be $1.25 trillion. The average number of DVD's rented daily in the U.S. is a staggering 6 million. With all that said, only 49% of Americans say they watch too much.

I'm not suggesting you grab all TV's and toss them to the trash, but it's important to be aware of how easy it is to get caught up in spaced out mode.  Growing up, we lived in an area that couldn't get cable TV even if we wanted it.  The antenna would give us three channels on a clear day.  So guess what we did?  You won't believe it.  We played with our friends outside, played games, and ate together...at a table!  In our family, we are sticklers for family dinner time and the kids love exploring outside, but that does not exempt us from watching too much TV.  I'm ashamed to say that as I write this, my 2 year old is being educated by the Fresh Beat Band.  Ugh.

Like anything, done in moderation, it's fun, interesting and relaxing.  Quickly, though, it can become a routine...drawing us in and away from the things that are important to us.  Can you see this?  Sitting there, flipping through 5000 channels, finding nothing, while there are kids who would love to go outside and play catch.  Laundry beckons and dishes call, yet surfing through one humdrum show after show has you sucked in.  As my 8 year old would say...."that's lame!"

When there are so many skills, crafts, and dreams you could be working towards, why waste time and energy on the sofa?  Get up, get moving, and do something productive.  There is an awesome world out there, please use your time wisely and build your skills.  A bright future is ahead of you, but the TV will not get you there....YOU will!

Lesson #14. What you need to know about first love.

There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other.  ~Francois

Oh, the first love.  You're going to have one, that's inevitable.  Will it be unforgettable? Probably not.  If you Google 'first love', there are about 334,000,000 matches.  Does that tell you something?  Word is, that it can even set the tone for future relationships.  In my case it really didn't, but I think my first was a one of a kind, don't find them around each corner, kind of person.  Your first love will be super special to you too.  Not only while you're experiencing all your firsts, but for a long time to follow.

I've always considered myself lucky to have had the first I did.  To the best of my knowledge, he was good to me.  I say it that way because I was young, totally in love and probably saw past a lot of things that I shouldn't have.  In my eyes, he was perfect.  Flawed, but perfectly flawed.   I would wish that everyone could be so fortunate.   He was cute and goofy and driven, but he also made me feel safe and as though I could conquer the world...the entire world.  He was my first love, my first kiss, and my first FIRST.  How can you forget THAT person?!?! 

 He may not have set the tone for my future relationships, but he absolutely shaped me into the person I am today.  We were as opposite as opposite can get.  I was shy...he could be heard in the next town.  I was the onlooker...he was being watched.  I was worried...he was free.  My parents held a tight leash on me...he didn't live with his parents. The lessons I learned from him have stuck with me even pushing 20 years later. 

So, what is today's message?  If there was anything I could teach you about first love, it's this.

• Pray that you get a good one.  Make a wise choice.  We're going to talk about your first sexual encounter in a later post, so for now, I will leave it as this.  Make sure you want to remember this person forever.  Is he worth space in your brain?  No matter how hard you try, there will be this little corner in your head that will have him burned into place.
• Enjoy, but don't overindulge.  Probably an impossible feat, but nonetheless, important. It is so easy to let our first love become our entire world.  You want to be with him all the time and if you aren't with him, you're thinking about him.  Sometimes, it's hard to fall asleep because thinking of him is better than any dream you could have.  Leave yourself space for friends.  They probably won't want to date him as well.
• Memories are golden, but don't let it run your life.  When I looked up info on first loves, there are all sorts of people who reunite after 20 or 30 years.  That's unlikely and there is probably a good reason you aren't together anymore.  When I got married, I had a little "get rid of stuff" party in my parents garage.  I had to let the letters and memorabilia go.  It has no place in future relationships. 

I still think about him from time to time.  I always wonder if he's OK and whether he married or had kids.  I think about the first time the rumble of his Firebird pulled into my driveway.  I remember watching the planes take off and planning our escape from reality.  I remember the first note I ever passed him and our first kiss. I swear I remember everything. His birthday, phone number, his LOCKER COMBINATION...holy crap!  Sometimes, I wonder if he ever thinks of me, but I think what I remember of him would say he's onto bigger and better things.  And, of course, I remember how heart wrenching it was when I saw him for the last time...knowing that I would never see him again.

 

I had a great time with my first love.  In many ways he set me free from my own inhibitions. He taught me how to enjoy being goofy and free without forgetting our responsibilities.  I always felt safe and special when I was with him.   He was patient with me when he needed to be and pushy when I needed to be pushed. There was a time in my life that I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.  No other person I've dated ever came close to the special bond between us, but he was my first love after all!   He is one relationship that I've always been proud of and don't feel ashamed of.  I exposed myself completely and know that I only gained from the experience.  I have no regrets about my first love.  I pray that you meet someone as special and magical as mine.  

Thanks, Chad.  You changed my life for the better. 

You may hold my hand for a while, but you hold my heart forever.   ~Unknown

 

Lesson #13. Say your sorry.

 Never ruin an apology with an excuse.  ~Kimberly Johnson

Simple message for today.  When you hurt someone, say you're sorry and mean it.  None of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes.  Better to be brave and make amends quickly.   When you do something that hurts someone and you don't talk it over and express your feelings with that person, it can carry the pain out and make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Sometimes, you will be tempted to say sorry and tack on an excuse why you did the person wrong.  Please don't do that.  It makes the apology feel disingenuous. If you've done wrong and someone is hurting, keep it real.  Show them and tell them that you did wrong and want to make it right.

Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.  ~Margaret Lee Runbeck

There is nothing worse that feeling the guilt of hurting someone, especially when it's someone you love and care about.  Don't let sour feelings linger...it will lead to an uncomfortable situation at very minimum and at worst....a lost relationship.  Saying sorry is a gift we can give to someone after a wrong to try to make it right.

That's it.  That's all I'm saying today.  Keep it real, OK?  Don't mess up a relationship because you couldn't fess up and apologize!

Lesson #12. Be a safe driver.

 It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.  ~Author Unknown

Someday, you are going to get behind the wheel of a car and drive off into the sunset.  Oh, how I dread that moment.  Adults all know how distracted and inexperienced a teenage driver is.  Some adults never grow out of it.  My prayer for you is that you will put embarrassment aside and proactively save your own and others lives.  Being a safe driver starts with you and ends with others.  Not only do you have to do your share of smart driving, you have to learn to assume that other drivers won't.

At this point, you probably already know that I poke fun of your Dad all the time for driving like an old man.  He goes out of his way to not put himself in a dangerous situation.  My joke is that he'd rather waste my gas driving around a parking lot to the "easy" exit than just pulling out the main exit.   I joke that he follows other cars with about a 1/2 mile in between.    He drives slow as molasses.  All joking aside, I know we're safe in the car with him at the wheel, even if it takes us a little longer to get somewhere.

Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer.  ~Author Unknown

Follow the rules of the road! 

Don't follow too closely!       Since I've been driving, I have been rear-ended three times.  My biggest driving pet peeve and fear are tailgaters.  One thing I will never understand is why anyone thinks its a good idea to ride in my tailwinds.  It's so dangerous, I just wish people with that much desire to hurt other people would stay home.  There are two things I want you to remember about tailgating.  

1. Don't do it.  You never know when the person in front of you will have to stop quickly.  Or if you look away for a second, just a little tiny second, you could end up on top of them.  If your frusterated by a slow driver, be thankful that they are holding you back.....it might just be an angel helping you avoid an accident.

2. Let them go.  If someone is tailgating you, just pull over and let them go. It's best for everyone.  My best guess is that someone who would knowingly drive dangerously and choose to put themselves and me at risk, must be mentally unstable or angry.  You don't want someone like that right behind you.  They are likely to hurt you.

Follow the Speed Limit!   You didn't set the speed limit, but it's our responsibility to follow the guidelines set for us.  I'm sure that the people who did set the speed limit did it using common sense and statistics.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm going slow for the road, but that isn't my decision to make. Sometimes, people wiz by me.  Oh well, I say...I'm sure they didn't post a speed limit as a suggestion.

However, there is a time when speeding is not only OK, but safer.  If you are driving on a highway and the speed limit is 65, but the traffic is whizzing along at 68, it is safer to stay with the flow of traffic.  Don't use it as an excuse to speed, but use your judgement and keep other drivers in mind.  On the highway, one person messing with the flow of traffic can have horrible consequences. 

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.  ~Mac McCleary

Use your turn signals!  A good driver plans his next move. For example, if you are driving down the road, following safely, but the person in front of you quickly slows down, it can throw you off.  If you are driving and know that your turn is coming, be prepared to signal.  It gives the person behind you warning to slow down.  I know it seems basic and obvious to use signals, but many people don't.  It's terribly unsafe to not let others know what is going on.

Pay Attention and drive!  There is nothing more important than paying attention to your driving and other drivers while behind the wheel.  Put the phone away, change your music at a stop light, and no eating.  If you drop something while driving, kick it out of the way of the pedals and get it later.  Worry about makeup and hair at home before you leave.  Don't pick your nose (it may cause a distraction to other drivers....LOL!)  When you are at the age when you want friends in the car with you, keep the noise to a minimum.  

Stay calm!   Road rage is very real.  Not long ago, I got caught up in the fast lane on the highway.  I had my blinker on to move right, but the opportunity to switch lanes was not there.  I picked up my pace as I had a very angry man behind me in a very large old pickup truck.  With three kids in the car, I watched in my rear view mirror as he flung his arms up and his angry face was screaming up a storm.  The woman in the passenger seat sat quietly.  As I said a quick prayer, I felt for this woman who was probably not only scared to death, but embarrassed.  I finally switched lanes and as the man passed me he swerved at my van filled with my babies and forced me into the breakdown lane with dust flying behind me.  I was scared out of my mind.  That happened almost a year ago, and I still have a hard time getting into the fast lane on the highway.  Luckily, we were all safe, but somewhere down the road, that man is going to hurt someone. 

If you feel frustrated on the road, do something about it.  Breathe deep, pull over, listen to calm music, but don't jeopardize yourself or others.  We all have moments where we wish we were the only one on the road, but we're not.  People all have the right to a safe trip, so if you get an angry burst on the road, please acknowledge it and respond properly.

When involved in a road rage incident, take a deep breath and ask yourself if the actions are worth your life.~ Grant Boles

Don't drink and drive!  It's never a good idea to drive with a brain that isn't fully functional.  How easy would it be to break all the other rules I've talked about when your head is in a flutter?  There is never, ever, ever a time when it's OK to drive after drinking. There is a quote by an unknown person that states that there are dumber things than driving drunk, but the list is very short. Call me, call a friend, call a taxi!  Please don't drink and drive.  It could ruin your life and possibly the life of other people.

Please use your head and be a safe driver!

Lesson #11. Don't get fat.

One should eat to live, not live to eat.  ~Cicero, Rhetoricorum LV

It's easier to do it right the first time, than to have to lose the weight.  Most diet plans will emphasize the importance of a healthy diet and exercise.  Take a look at the advertisements on TV, in magazines, and on the internet.  I have no idea what the percentage is, but it would be nearly impossible to go a day without seeing an ad for a weight loss pill, plan, or program.  The reason for that is that we, as a nation, are fat.

Just like anything, doing it right the first time will save you the aggravation of having to do it over.  How many times have you done something halfheartedly and then realized that it wasn't going to cut it?  Now, you must start from scratch and fix it.  You have created double work for yourself, not to mention added aggravation!  I will never forget this important lesson my Grampa taught me a long time ago.  He asked me to clean out the microwave and I did.  He looked at it and pointed out crumbs and gunk that I had missed.  And then he asked me to do it again.  "UGH!!!", I was so angry. I already did it once.  Had I done it right the first time, I wouldn't have been in that position. 

A healthy body is so important.  There is a phrase that says "without your health, you have nothing."  I learned that was true when we discovered little bruises ALL OVER Alice's body.  She was about 4 at the time and there was no reasonable explanation for the bruising.  Off to the doctors we went.  After some blood work and a check up, we were sent immediately to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta for further testing.  I asked her pediatrician what he thought it could be and he told me that the bruising is a very common 'symptom' of leukemia. Wow!  I can't even write this without tears developing in my eyes.  

The next day, we drove to Atlanta to see a specialist.  As a Mom, waiting to hear what was wrong, I promise you, my world had stopped.  NOTHING else mattered at that moment.  When the doctor came in, I was at the edge of my seat, waiting to hear what the future had in store for my beautiful baby.  "You're daughter has ITP.  If your daughter has to have a blood disorder, this is the one you want."  I'm not going to bore you with all the details of ITP, but it's a blood disorder that often times goes away in kids.  After months of guarding her from head injuries and cuts, it just went away.  

And then Charlie came along.  The kid is a happy little thing, with little being the key word.  After a series of blood tests, stool tests, and an intestinal biopsy, we finally figured out why he is such a shrimp.  At 18 months, he had never even made it on the growth chart.  The other problem was his poop.  You've never smelled smelly poo poo until you've had a child with Celiac Disease.  As a Mom, I've dealt with my fair share of stinky things, but this stuff chased me out of the room.  OK, seriously though, Charlie has Celiac Disease. In a nutshell, he can't eat gluten or lick Play-doh or eat Chap-stick.  The gluten gives him a bad belly ache and without a change in diet can lead to all sorts of bad things, including Cancer.

So, why am I telling you about blood disorders and Celiac disease?  Because these things are out of our control.  I have no idea why Alice got ITP or why Charlie ended up with Celiac disease. Those things are out of our hands, so we accommodate his diet by shopping the outer rim of the grocery store and pray that the ITP never resurfaces.  There are many diseases and disorders that are out of our control.  People have to fight them with medications and treatments.

Being overweight is not out of our control.  There are few cases where it may not be your fault, but those only cover a small percentage of overweight and obese people.  Most of us become overweight because we make poor choices over a long period of time.  However, the problems associated with being obese are very real.  Heart disease and stroke.   High blood pressure.  Diabetes.  Cancer.

Gallbladder disease and gallstones.  Osteoarthritis.  Gout.  No fun.  Studies show that losing weight has a significant positive impact of all of these problems.

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.  ~English Proverb

  

Please hear me when I tell you, do it right the first time.  Eat well and give your body the exercise it needs.  I have so much weight to lose and now I'm in back track mode.  Had I not overindulged in unhealthy foods for so long, I would be so much healthier.  I wouldn't be fighting my bad habits and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.   I would not be embarrassed every time I walk by a mirror. I would enjoy shopping for clothes.   I know what I need to do and yet I find it incredibly hard to change my ways....even knowing the damage I'm doing.  

I cannot tell you how many times I wished I had just not gained the weight to begin with. There were so many times over the years when I knew I was using poor judgement with my habits, but ignored my head and fed my mouth.  I regret every overweight pound on my body.  I know that losing it would build my confidence and make me feel a million times better, but I don't do it.  Losing weight has been one of my biggest battles.  Please don't get fat.  Stay healthy.  

There are NO benefits to being fat.  There are a TON of benefits with being healthy. ~ Me.

Lesson #10. Spread your wings and fly.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.  ~Richard Bach

The good things in life, like the butterfly, take time and lots of hard work.  Caterpillars are weird little suckers that eat and eat and transform themselves into something else completely. What a wonderful lesson from God.  You have the ability to become a beautiful butterfly, too.  Like the butterfly, it's going to take lots of hard work and determination. Right now, you are the catepiller, learning the ropes, eating to grow, and setting up for your future.  

What does your butterfly look like?  Butterflies come in all colors and shapes and sizes.  The beauty of being human, is that we choose our colors.  Some people choose the easy route and sit back and watch, but my wish for you, is that you work hard to fly with wings you've created.  Choose your colors and start to spread those wings.  

Go at life with gusto.  Sometimes it's that first step that seems so scary, but in the end, you'll be thankful you did.  It's like jumping out of a plane.  You could chose to sit in the plane and watch everyone else jump.  Thinking about what it must be like and wondering whether it would be scary or if you'll crash. You can imagine the wind in your hair and the view from above.   You imagine how powerful, yet small you'll feel all at the same time.  You have two options, sit back and land with the plane or jump.   I can only pray that you will chose the latter.    

When we are upon a big decision that will impact our life, we usually have choices. Some of those choices will be easy.  Others will be challenging and that when you need to realize that you are the fat little caterpillar ready to become a butterfly.   Don't let obstacles get you down.  If there weren't obstacles, we would appreciate what we've done to get where we are.

My first years of college were spent playing.  I was focused hard on the wrong things and letting the important stuff slide.  Failing classes left and right was embarrassing and disappointing.  I think I somehow thought I could dance on through and everything would work itself out.  I quickly, well maybe not so quickly, figured out that I was the one in charge of my future (and my grades) and failure wasn't going to be an option.  I switched colleges, but had to write a long letter to the new college basically begging them to give me a chance.  My track record was shady at best and on a wing and a prayer, they decided to take a chance on my ability to change.  I made new friends, put on my big girl panties and made the conscience decision to buckle down.  

It was that first report card with multiple A's that took my breath away.  For real!  I was so overwhelmed by my own ability, it started something good.  My caterpillar had hatched!  I completed my Bachelor's degree with honors and went on to get my MBA.  It wasn't easy, but once I spread those wings, following through was effortless.  I actually did better than I thought I could.  Amazing yourself by discovering your talents and skills is a great way to spread those wings.

One day, after college and before having a family, I felt empty and without direction.  I found myself in counseling, trying to work out my sadness.   It was as though I was at a stand still moment in my life.  Between life stages, I guess you could say.  I told her I longed to travel and see new things. After asking me a series of seemingly simple questions, she asked me a profound question.  "So, you have no kids, have no financial obligations, and are finished with school?"  "yes." I told her.  "So why don't you fulfill your desire to travel?"  I went home that Monday, called a friend, and very soon after, was on the road.

From Massachusetts, we drove to the most southern point of Florida, through New Orleans, to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas.  We ventured up to Seattle, through the redwoods and down to Santa Cruz and ultimately ended in San Fransisco.  If there could have been wings attached to the sides of my pickup truck, there would have been. It was so much fun, waking with the sun and seeing tons of new and exciting places.  It was like a dream vacation on steroids.   

It was during that drive that I realized how small this world really is.  Before I left, it seemed so scary and huge, probably because it was unknown.  Like I was this little nobody trying to make a dent in this big ole world.  I realized that only by spreading my wings and stepping off into that unknown, would I find and reach my potential. To become a butterfly, you can't go at it halfheartedly.  It takes lots of hard work and determination to find out what you really have inside you.