Lesson #25. Follow through.

You mustn't attempt to will anything.
You need only be willing.

 
Let's just be clear about something. Follow through is something that I suck at. I'm a great planner, idea developer, dream come-up-with-er, but actually following through with those plans is a sour topic for me. I seriously think my low self esteem stems from this self created identity of failure. At some point in time, I decided that I wouldn't follow through and it's not working.  If I had actually done all the things I planned on, my life would look tremendously different. 

For one thing, I'd be skinny. I have come up with so many weight loss plans and charts that I have never used. I've bought books, videos, signed up for Weight Watchers, joined gyms, registered on weight loss websites, but never last for long. I've made excuses and not given myself the chance to succeed at being healthy. And, alas, I'm still a fatty.

I'd also be the proud owner of my own business. I've had business and product ideas that I know would be successful. I've written partial business plans in which I have come to a road block and quit rather than finding a way. I could write a novel on why none of them could work, but then I see products and service that are, frankly, ridiculous....and I know that I didn't give myself the chance at success I deserved.

Lastly, I would be a happier person. Not giving myself the chance to succeed has been  devastating. I am angry with the little progress I've made compared to where I know I could and should be. I tell myself all the time that "NOW" is the time to change and start following through on plans and ideas, but the day then passes.
 

I hear myself and my kids...."Quit moaning and groaning and do it!"  I think it's fabulous that I see you kids sticking it out when the going gets tough.  I hear Charlie's little child voice wondering why Mommy complains about things she can change. I wonder too. And then I plunk my fanny down and give up again with the promise of tomorrow coming. We know how that story ends. 10:30 PM, in bed, wishing I had done just one thing for the better.

What if there is no tomorrow? It's happens.

I'm starting over in many ways right now and have realized with the help of God that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. There is a lesson in the pain of obesity and not being able to pay the bills. There is a lesson is missed opportunity and bad attitudes. There is a lesson is setting our grand goals and expecting to wake up in the morning having completed them. The biggest lesson I've learned in the past couple weeks at Mountain Lake Church is that I have this view of where I should be, in society's eyes. I've realized that I have been successful. I have completed some of what I set out to accomplish.

I always wanted to be a Mom. Jane, Alice and Charlie, you have proved to be the biggest blessings in my life. For me, there is no option of quitting when it comes to you. There is a balance between doing better than what's expected and only doing what I can all at the same time.  I am so lucky to have brought you into the world and hopefully lead you to a life of happiness.  I need to be more of a leader by example because I know you all are watching me.

For that reason, I step back into this blog, following through on something that is important to me. I commit to taking baby steps and promise to not be discouraged when I don't wake up skinny and rich in the morning. (though it would be treat.)  I want to show myself that if I do follow through, I can find success. Through my success, I hope that you will see that although life isn't easy it is what we make of it.  Noone can wish themselves into the person they want to become. Noone can accomplish without action. 

Follow through even if it takes a few tries before it happens. Gods timing isn't always what we want, but know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. For me, I'm OK with where I am because I know that my victory will be more appreciated. Perhaps, I had to dip this low to strengthen me for the road ahead. Perhaps, I had to see what I don't want before I could truly choose what I do want.

You my friend, can achieve any dreams you want, if you follow through. Find something you REALLY love, work with it & I guarantee you, you will finish it like no other.    ~Kristen Farah

 

Lesson #24. Find your own nuts.

 

God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest.  ~J.G. Holland

OK, let's set the scene.  There's a family of squirrels in your yard.  They have furry little bodies and they run around frantically up and down trees and in the grass and leaves.  They check out the bird feeders and they dig around in the yard. When the Dad and/or Mom squirrel doesn't feel like busting their heinies all day for nuts and seeds, the handout squirrel stops by their nest with a free bag of nuts so the baby squirrels won't starve.  The handout squirrel also sets up delivery for more bags of nuts, to be delivered each month.

Mom and Dad squirrel are siked.  Now they can freely jump from branch to branch and watch the other squirrels being frantic.  Mom and Dad get a little chubby.  A little more lazy.  Their nest falls apart and they find someone else to fix it.  Baby squirrels need help learning how to find nuts and Mom and Dad send them to squirrel school.  Mom and Dad have it good.  Baby squirrels, not so much.  

Alright, I know this is silly.  Squirrels don't have a handout squirrel.  Let's think about it for a second though.  What if they did?  (Eating from our bird feeders doesn't count...that's fair game in finding food as far as they are concerned.)

Bottom line with humans is that we are animals.  Smart animals! Smarter than a squirrel, at least.  So why, when we don't feel like working hard, do we seek out the handout squirrel? Why doesn't someone tell the human..."Tough crap, dude! Get to work!"  Now, before a bunch of you have a cow, I am not suggesting that we will never fall on hard times that are out of our control.  Nor am I suggesting that a handicapped person be expected to do more than they are capable of.  What I am suggesting is that when put up against a tough time, use your brain, your body and your time to figure it out.

I'm not very good at quoting the Bible, but there is a verse somewhere in there that says that when you put your faith in God, things will often times get worse before they get better.  The beauty of this is that being uncomfortable forces most of us to change things.  If you sit on a pine cone, you're probably not going to stay there, right?  Same with hardship.  When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, the best thing to do is to try to make it better, with faith in God and in yourself.  God never said, when things get tough, sit back and watch TV.

This is my lesson for you.  We ALL find ourselves out of money or out of food at one point in our lives.  If someone tells you they haven't struggled and they've found success without failure, they are lying.  Tough times should be looked at as opportunities for growth.  They should be viewed as life lessons.  They should not be viewed as an opportunity to seek a handout.  

Take a lesson from the animal world.  It is unlikely that a Mom or Dad will let their babies starve, they will work harder and longer and be more creative.  I bet, that without public assistance, we would not let our babies starve either.  We might be feeding them rice and beans, but parents wouldn't sit and watch TV with a starving child in front of them.  Unless they are mentally sick, in which case, this doesn't apply and they shouldn't have children anyway.  

Sometimes, family and friends want to help each other out and I think that is great...what goes around come around.  In many cases, the receiver will understand how wonderful it is to receive and will possibly become the giver later in life.  The problem I see and want you to avoid is the sense of entitlement that so many people seem to have.  You are not entitled to the money your neighbor has earned, but if the neighbor see's your pain and chooses to help, that's gracious.  

• Don't expect life to be easy.  
• Don't expect someone else to fix things when they're broken. 
• Don't expect a paycheck when you don't work.
• Don't expect success without hard work.
• Don't feel entitled to things you didn't earn.

The value of a man resides in what he gives and not in what he is capable of receiving. Albert Einstein

Lesson #23. Release the coulda shoulda woulda's from your vocabulary.

“All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' In The Sun,
Talkin' 'Bout The Things
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done...
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All Ran Away And Hid
From One Little Did.”
~~Shel Silverstein

That Shel Silverstein guy sure was funny. Smart too. I had just borrowed Where The Sidewalk Ends from the library (for my kids...LOL!) when this poem struck a cord with me. I can't speak for everyone, but I know that if I had a penny for each time I uttered one of those words, I'd be swimming in money. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

Let's break it down....

coulda Looking into our past is fun, heartwarming, and can bring a smile to our face. Memories are like a warm cozy blanket. If only all memories could be described as such. Some memories leave us thinking "blah blah blah...I coulda...blah blah blah". Though remembering can be fun, the coulda's should only be looked at as a moment of growth. A lesson to be learned. Not even the wealthiest of the wealthy can turn back time, so what's the point in dwelling on something you coulda done? Perhaps if you think about it hard and long enough it will change the present. Yeah, um, not gonna happen. Quit with the coulda's, living there can hinder your present successes.

shoulda You shoulda, huh? Well, do it now. Commit to not avoiding what you should be doing from this point forward. Most of us have a sense of what we should be doing, but the want to (or not want to) often overpowers it. Be smart. Shoulda's can lead you to big trouble. Not being responsible is a big one. I shoulda paid my car insurance. I shoulda lost this weight 10 years ago. I shoulda listened to my Mother. The lesson with this is that you know what you need to do NOW and you can't change the past. Start doing what you should do regularly and you won't be left with this word lingering on your lips.

woulda I woulda mowed the lawn had I know the weather forecast called for rain. I woulda kept my mouth shut if it meant I could keep my job. I woulda had money in the bank, but that new car screamed at me from the dealers lot. You see the pattern. I see woulda's as a lack of preparation and knowledge. Be aware of what is going on now and what possibilities lie ahead. Now, you shouldn't play the game of worry, but a quick scan of any situation can give you enough information to know what the outcomes could be. Woulda's are easily avoidable, use your noggin.


Strike these words from your vocabulary. Flush them down the toilet. Recognize what being smart looks like, learn how to make smart decisions, and follow through. Sometimes, a little work today saves you a LOT tomorrow!

 

 

Lesson #22. Choose a career!

"Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life."  ~~Confucius

I know that envy is a sin.  Along with overeating, it is my biggest issue.  Not for peoples money or looks or clothes.  Nope, not any of the "normal" stuff.  My issue is career based.  I am going to confess now one of my biggest regrets.  I never chose a career.  Sometimes, I like to blame my family for not explaining the importance of it and pushing me to make a choice, but deep down I know it was my flub.  I decided somehow the way it would work and I was WRONG.

I was under the impression that a college education was the foundation to a career.  I wrongly thought that if I went at my education 150%, I'd be set to go on graduation day.  Colleges talk it up too. You see it on TV and in print advertisements.  You might see "Ann Smith" who just completed her bachelors degree and is now making more money than ever and has many more job opportunities.  Au contraire!  It might happen like that for some people.  Maybe they have a can do spirit or they know the right people.  For the rest of us...a plan is a must.

In my opinion, education without direction is as useful as a flashlight without batteries.   Someone told me in the beginning of my college years that a business degree was a good one to get because it offered a lot of flexibility.  That is advice I might offer up to my least favorite enemy.  Talk about setting someone up to fail.   Now, I'm not saying business degree's are a bad thing, but you had better have a goal in mind and stock up on extra classes that specialize your education somehow.  

In a nutshell, I have a Masters Degree in Business that isn't worth a dime.  In fact, the cost of it is going to hinder my financial strength until I'm about 65.  I'm not kidding.  I am so angry and embarrassed of my college decisions, I could spit.  Throughout the years in college, I often times wondered if the other students felt they weren't learning anything either or if it was just me.  I learned about theories, laws and statistics, but gained no skills.  

I am not dismissing the importance of college.  What I'm saying is that education before career choice is like buying gas for a car you don't own.  It simply doesn't make sense.  If I had it to do over, I would pick something...anything...and figure out what I needed to become that anything.  I would have focused on experience building and learning valuable skills.  I probably wouldn't have an MBA.  Had I received the direction I obviously needed, someone would have recognized my dream of owning a small hotel.  Someone would have pushed me to pursue the hotel and hospitality field.  Someone would have shown me how to create a plan of action.

I am 37, have LOADS of college loan debt, no skills, no experience, and can't even begin to figure out how to build them up.  I have many entrepreneurial ideas and dreams, but with no skills, I have no decent income, which leads to no savings and big debt.  I wish I had a skill that I could market.  Something that I was good at. Something that someone would want me to do.  

It is depressing to be "overqualified" for a secretarial position, but under qualified to be the office manager.  Overqualified to do data entry, but not qualified to work in upper management.  I missed the boat on my career.  At 37, there is no way I would go back to school and learn how to do something now.  I fear that I will be stuck in little office jobs and retail for the rest of my working years.  

Please don't do what I did.  

Choose a specific career or skill and go at it with gusto.  I know this entry sounds like a pity party and, yes, I'm having a low day today.  Looking at the classifieds makes me sad and angry at the same time.  There are thousands of career choices out there.  Have something in mind.  Have an idea of what seems fun and interesting.  Be very intentional about your career choice.  Don't tell yourself that you want to be a doctor, figure out what kind of doctor you want to be.  Don't limit yourself to business degree, focus on accounting or human resources. 

I will be an instrument in helping you decide your career path.  Not just any instrument, either. I'm going to be a drum set on overload.  I'm not going to push you down a path because I want you to go there, but because I see your interest.  I won't push you to be a pain in your butt, but to help kick start the rest of your life.  Pick a career. Focus in school.  Find success in your work life!  And remember what I always tell you...most things stink when you're just learning them, but once you've mastered it, it's one of life's greatest joys!!

Lesson #21. Have a role model.

Example has more followers than reason.   ~John Christian Bovee

Most smokers come from homes where parents smoke.  In fact, studies show that children of smokers are twice as likely to start smoking between the ages of 12 and 21 than those of parents who don't smoke.  I can almost guarantee that these parents haven't encouraged their children to smoke.  I can't picture them sitting little Becky down and telling her what a great stress reliever smoking is and how she should take it up ASAP. Quite the contrary.  These parents know, even more so than a non-smoker, that starting is the worst thing you can do.  And yet kids see our actions much more clearly than they hear our words.

 Studies also watched the behavior as it relates to obesity.  They also found that 48 percent of children with overweight parents became overweight, compared with 13 percent of those with normal-weight parents.  Ouch!  With the epidemic of an overweight society on our hands, what does this mean for the future of American children?  If you eat the wrong foods or too much of them, it's likely your kids will too.  If you don't make exercise a part of your life, they probably won't either. Kids are going to follow your lead as far as taking care of themselves, so modeling behavior you wish for them to adopt is crucial.

We all hope our kids will be bright, successful and wise adults.  The truth is, what they look up to, is what they will model.  It is extremely difficult to break out of a mold that you have grown up in.  It is hard for people to sway from what they see as the norm.  Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? No fun.  It can almost make you feel a little crazy in your head.  Almost like writing with the wrong hand. Kids need to be led.  Kids need a role model (or two or three) that they can use as a reference as they grow up. 

Aside from the usual parent role model, there is also something bigger than that out there.  Role models come in all shapes, sizes and backgrounds.  There are stories of fame, strength, and smarts.  Kids latch on the role models for a variety of reasons, but mostly because they are enamored by what the person stands for or has accomplished.  Given the right role model, it can be extremely motivating. For a parent to notice a role model in a child's life is wonderful, because it allows the parent and child to talk about why that person is spotlighted in the child's life.  It gives great insight into the inner workings of what is valued in your child. 

Recently, my 8 year old daughter, Jane, watched Soul Surfer.  It is the story of Bethany Hamilton, the surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack in Hawaii.  Jane latched onto this movie like a favorite blanket.  She asked many questions throughout the movie and continued to talk about it the next morning on the way to school.  This has been the first time I've ever seen my child so moved by a person's story.  I believe Bethany is a big inspiration to all of us so we have divulged in any information we can dig up on her website and the internet so Jane can see the full scope of this young woman's life thus far. It's been almost a week now and the questions continue.  Though Jane made it clear that she is bummed out that we don't live by the ocean so she could surf, she seemed game for trying skateboarding...which Bethany did as well.  

I find myself thrilled that my daughter would choose such an honorable role model instead of the hot to trot little pop stars (though she also LOVES Justin Bieber) and I want to keep the ball rolling.  Bethany has inspired tons of people.  She has encouraged other amputees and young surfers just learning the ropes.  She has also shown people her love for God.   This girl has taken a tragic accident and used it to touch people all over the globe.  Seriously...who doesn't want to make that kind of impact???   Even with the high price she paid, her commitment to others is ten fold.

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness,heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.  ~~Bethany Hamilton

As a parent, I know that even with all the best intention, I am an imperfect person.  To be real honest, I wouldn't want my kids to follow a lot of the things I've done.  My hope is that they will see me for what I am now and not how I got here.  I will encourage role models that they welcome into their lives because I know that the impact of peoples actions can be more motivating than Mommy yapping about what they should and shouldn't do.  As the old saying goes....actions do speak louder than words.....even if they are someone else's actions!  Get that ball rolling!!!

Lesson #20. Make a big deal out of the (good) little things.

Yesterday, Alice turned 6!  She had a fun day all around and fell into bed already half asleep before bedtime. Our goal for the day was that she know how much we love her, value her and how extremely special she is.  We wrote messages on our van, decorated the house in pink, and I even tried my "no-so-Martha-Stewartish-hand" at a princess Barbie cake!  Nothing was expensive or hard to do, but it took effort.  Most importantly, it took knowing our little girl and what she would love to make this day special for her.

We hear it all the time, don't we? Don't sweat the small stuff.  Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Valid messages, but what about when the little stuff is GOOD? I agree that when you over analyze or dwell on a negative that it grows legs.  Meaning that losing perspective on a small issue by talking it over and over or thinking about it too much makes a little thing bigger than it is.  It allows that little issue too much space in our life.  In the long run, it creates negativity and sour feelings over things that shouldn't be given that much energy.  

Let's not minimize a birthday, because I think most of us already know that those are a pretty big deal.  I'm talking about celebrating little moments with gusto.  Showing the people we love that we have noticed them and want to celebrate them.  Do things for your friends and family that shows that you've noticed what's important to them.  Ask how their day was and really listen.  Don't just tell them you love them....show them.

A while back, I started something with my daughters that is so simple, but it means a lot to them.  Every Monday or Tuesday, after dinner, I take one of them to go run a few errands. We rotate back and forth weekly, they keep track so I don't have to.  The errands aren't anything more than running to Wal-Mart or the craft store though sometimes we'll stop at McDonald's for an ice cream cone.  It never lasts for more than a few hours, but with three kids in the house, they long for one on one time.  At first, the one who stayed home would pout and stomp around because they didn't get to go, but it was quickly resolved once they saw the routine being created.   I figured out what was important to them and did it! 

With my husband, I find that staying a step ahead of him is what he notices.  When I take his truck and it's low on gas, I'll fill it up.  If he's mowing the lawn, I'll have tea waiting on the porch.  I love when he asked me for something or mentions that he has an errand to run and I can tell him it's already done.  It's cheap, it's easy, but he notices that I thought of him.  


Feeling appreciated and loved is like fuel for our soul.  Positive reinforcement works.  Wouldn't it be a better if more people focused on and celebrated the positive things in life rather than the negative?  Wouldn't you be more motivated by celebrating small accomplishments rather than hearing about your mistakes?   And frankly, people already know what they need to work on and it probably already takes up too much space in their head.  Most us have the tendency to digest the negative and feel embarrassed of the positive.


Well, I say, heck no!  I'm not going to spend my time telling what your doing wrong.  I'm going to celebrate the A on your spelling test and the good attitude you had when you cleaned your room.  I'm going to make a big stinking deal out of your birthday and Valentine's day and maybe even President's day.  Who knows, maybe you will be president some day!

Lesson #19. There is a lot to be said for keeping your shirt on.

We've all seen those pictures.  Girls drunk, girls topless, girls puking.  It sure does muster up some gross images, doesn't it?  At times, these pictures are funny or just so bad that you can't help but to look.  Unfortunately, people do look...a lot!  Google good girl and you get the opposite.  Google drunk girls and there are almost 4.5 million results.  Oh, all those Mothers must be so proud of their daughters.  Most of us will find ourselves in a party situation a few times during our young adult years, but you need keep your shirt on and your head straight.

Let's fast forward through any drunken shenanigans.  You've now done high school and college and are ready to start your career.  You get your resume looking tip top and dress your best.  You deliver it to the potential employer.  The employer is impressed.  They are ready to hire you.  And then, they Google your name or look at your Facebook page.  This is where you need to make sure you haven't set yourself up for an indecent failure.

Now, in some careers, it may not matter, but in others, it's vital.  Let's hope that elementary schools aren't hiring young teachers with topless photos online.  Can you imagine?  What if you decided to get into politics?  You're drunken or nude pictures will be dug up and everyone will see them.  What if you want to become a lawyer or doctor and every time someone searches the internet to check credentials, your breasts are the first thing they see.  Probably something of your past, but no less something that will hurt you.

One day, you will meet your significant other.  Any person with class wouldn't want to be associated with someone who thinks it's funny to be so drunk that you would allow topless or "bathroom" pictures to be taken.  On the same note, I would hope you would run from that as well.  People that are so out of control or so lacking in morals aren't going to go very far.

And then there is your Mother, Father and someday your own children.  If you wouldn't take nude pictures of yourself in front of me or Dad, don't do it.  You wouldn't get so drunk that you are out of control with us either, do don't set yourself up to be taken advantage of.  Some day, you will probably have your own kids and you won't want them to stumble on indecent photos of you.  

My message is this.  It's not a good idea to be out and about acting like a fool.  Those actions will track you down and hurt you.  Unless you strive to be a porn star or a reality TV star, they will embarrass you.  (And by the way, you aren't allowed to do porn or reality TV....Mom and Dad say so.) 

Pictures speak volumes about our character, especially when these pictures are revealing.  People, employers, even colleges use the internet every day to get an idea of what a person is like.  Over exposing yourself will do you no good.  And what's even worse about it is that it will be floating around in cyberspace......forever.

Again, I know you're going to go out and have fun (sign...gasp), but use your head.  Don't ever get so out of control that you are doing things you wouldn't want Gramma to see.  And for heavens sake, keep your shirt on!!!