Lesson #23. Release the coulda shoulda woulda's from your vocabulary.

“All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin' In The Sun,
Talkin' 'Bout The Things
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done...
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All Ran Away And Hid
From One Little Did.”
~~Shel Silverstein

That Shel Silverstein guy sure was funny. Smart too. I had just borrowed Where The Sidewalk Ends from the library (for my kids...LOL!) when this poem struck a cord with me. I can't speak for everyone, but I know that if I had a penny for each time I uttered one of those words, I'd be swimming in money. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

Let's break it down....

coulda Looking into our past is fun, heartwarming, and can bring a smile to our face. Memories are like a warm cozy blanket. If only all memories could be described as such. Some memories leave us thinking "blah blah blah...I coulda...blah blah blah". Though remembering can be fun, the coulda's should only be looked at as a moment of growth. A lesson to be learned. Not even the wealthiest of the wealthy can turn back time, so what's the point in dwelling on something you coulda done? Perhaps if you think about it hard and long enough it will change the present. Yeah, um, not gonna happen. Quit with the coulda's, living there can hinder your present successes.

shoulda You shoulda, huh? Well, do it now. Commit to not avoiding what you should be doing from this point forward. Most of us have a sense of what we should be doing, but the want to (or not want to) often overpowers it. Be smart. Shoulda's can lead you to big trouble. Not being responsible is a big one. I shoulda paid my car insurance. I shoulda lost this weight 10 years ago. I shoulda listened to my Mother. The lesson with this is that you know what you need to do NOW and you can't change the past. Start doing what you should do regularly and you won't be left with this word lingering on your lips.

woulda I woulda mowed the lawn had I know the weather forecast called for rain. I woulda kept my mouth shut if it meant I could keep my job. I woulda had money in the bank, but that new car screamed at me from the dealers lot. You see the pattern. I see woulda's as a lack of preparation and knowledge. Be aware of what is going on now and what possibilities lie ahead. Now, you shouldn't play the game of worry, but a quick scan of any situation can give you enough information to know what the outcomes could be. Woulda's are easily avoidable, use your noggin.


Strike these words from your vocabulary. Flush them down the toilet. Recognize what being smart looks like, learn how to make smart decisions, and follow through. Sometimes, a little work today saves you a LOT tomorrow!

 

 

Lesson #22. Choose a career!

"Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life."  ~~Confucius

I know that envy is a sin.  Along with overeating, it is my biggest issue.  Not for peoples money or looks or clothes.  Nope, not any of the "normal" stuff.  My issue is career based.  I am going to confess now one of my biggest regrets.  I never chose a career.  Sometimes, I like to blame my family for not explaining the importance of it and pushing me to make a choice, but deep down I know it was my flub.  I decided somehow the way it would work and I was WRONG.

I was under the impression that a college education was the foundation to a career.  I wrongly thought that if I went at my education 150%, I'd be set to go on graduation day.  Colleges talk it up too. You see it on TV and in print advertisements.  You might see "Ann Smith" who just completed her bachelors degree and is now making more money than ever and has many more job opportunities.  Au contraire!  It might happen like that for some people.  Maybe they have a can do spirit or they know the right people.  For the rest of us...a plan is a must.

In my opinion, education without direction is as useful as a flashlight without batteries.   Someone told me in the beginning of my college years that a business degree was a good one to get because it offered a lot of flexibility.  That is advice I might offer up to my least favorite enemy.  Talk about setting someone up to fail.   Now, I'm not saying business degree's are a bad thing, but you had better have a goal in mind and stock up on extra classes that specialize your education somehow.  

In a nutshell, I have a Masters Degree in Business that isn't worth a dime.  In fact, the cost of it is going to hinder my financial strength until I'm about 65.  I'm not kidding.  I am so angry and embarrassed of my college decisions, I could spit.  Throughout the years in college, I often times wondered if the other students felt they weren't learning anything either or if it was just me.  I learned about theories, laws and statistics, but gained no skills.  

I am not dismissing the importance of college.  What I'm saying is that education before career choice is like buying gas for a car you don't own.  It simply doesn't make sense.  If I had it to do over, I would pick something...anything...and figure out what I needed to become that anything.  I would have focused on experience building and learning valuable skills.  I probably wouldn't have an MBA.  Had I received the direction I obviously needed, someone would have recognized my dream of owning a small hotel.  Someone would have pushed me to pursue the hotel and hospitality field.  Someone would have shown me how to create a plan of action.

I am 37, have LOADS of college loan debt, no skills, no experience, and can't even begin to figure out how to build them up.  I have many entrepreneurial ideas and dreams, but with no skills, I have no decent income, which leads to no savings and big debt.  I wish I had a skill that I could market.  Something that I was good at. Something that someone would want me to do.  

It is depressing to be "overqualified" for a secretarial position, but under qualified to be the office manager.  Overqualified to do data entry, but not qualified to work in upper management.  I missed the boat on my career.  At 37, there is no way I would go back to school and learn how to do something now.  I fear that I will be stuck in little office jobs and retail for the rest of my working years.  

Please don't do what I did.  

Choose a specific career or skill and go at it with gusto.  I know this entry sounds like a pity party and, yes, I'm having a low day today.  Looking at the classifieds makes me sad and angry at the same time.  There are thousands of career choices out there.  Have something in mind.  Have an idea of what seems fun and interesting.  Be very intentional about your career choice.  Don't tell yourself that you want to be a doctor, figure out what kind of doctor you want to be.  Don't limit yourself to business degree, focus on accounting or human resources. 

I will be an instrument in helping you decide your career path.  Not just any instrument, either. I'm going to be a drum set on overload.  I'm not going to push you down a path because I want you to go there, but because I see your interest.  I won't push you to be a pain in your butt, but to help kick start the rest of your life.  Pick a career. Focus in school.  Find success in your work life!  And remember what I always tell you...most things stink when you're just learning them, but once you've mastered it, it's one of life's greatest joys!!

Lesson #21. Have a role model.

Example has more followers than reason.   ~John Christian Bovee

Most smokers come from homes where parents smoke.  In fact, studies show that children of smokers are twice as likely to start smoking between the ages of 12 and 21 than those of parents who don't smoke.  I can almost guarantee that these parents haven't encouraged their children to smoke.  I can't picture them sitting little Becky down and telling her what a great stress reliever smoking is and how she should take it up ASAP. Quite the contrary.  These parents know, even more so than a non-smoker, that starting is the worst thing you can do.  And yet kids see our actions much more clearly than they hear our words.

 Studies also watched the behavior as it relates to obesity.  They also found that 48 percent of children with overweight parents became overweight, compared with 13 percent of those with normal-weight parents.  Ouch!  With the epidemic of an overweight society on our hands, what does this mean for the future of American children?  If you eat the wrong foods or too much of them, it's likely your kids will too.  If you don't make exercise a part of your life, they probably won't either. Kids are going to follow your lead as far as taking care of themselves, so modeling behavior you wish for them to adopt is crucial.

We all hope our kids will be bright, successful and wise adults.  The truth is, what they look up to, is what they will model.  It is extremely difficult to break out of a mold that you have grown up in.  It is hard for people to sway from what they see as the norm.  Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? No fun.  It can almost make you feel a little crazy in your head.  Almost like writing with the wrong hand. Kids need to be led.  Kids need a role model (or two or three) that they can use as a reference as they grow up. 

Aside from the usual parent role model, there is also something bigger than that out there.  Role models come in all shapes, sizes and backgrounds.  There are stories of fame, strength, and smarts.  Kids latch on the role models for a variety of reasons, but mostly because they are enamored by what the person stands for or has accomplished.  Given the right role model, it can be extremely motivating. For a parent to notice a role model in a child's life is wonderful, because it allows the parent and child to talk about why that person is spotlighted in the child's life.  It gives great insight into the inner workings of what is valued in your child. 

Recently, my 8 year old daughter, Jane, watched Soul Surfer.  It is the story of Bethany Hamilton, the surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack in Hawaii.  Jane latched onto this movie like a favorite blanket.  She asked many questions throughout the movie and continued to talk about it the next morning on the way to school.  This has been the first time I've ever seen my child so moved by a person's story.  I believe Bethany is a big inspiration to all of us so we have divulged in any information we can dig up on her website and the internet so Jane can see the full scope of this young woman's life thus far. It's been almost a week now and the questions continue.  Though Jane made it clear that she is bummed out that we don't live by the ocean so she could surf, she seemed game for trying skateboarding...which Bethany did as well.  

I find myself thrilled that my daughter would choose such an honorable role model instead of the hot to trot little pop stars (though she also LOVES Justin Bieber) and I want to keep the ball rolling.  Bethany has inspired tons of people.  She has encouraged other amputees and young surfers just learning the ropes.  She has also shown people her love for God.   This girl has taken a tragic accident and used it to touch people all over the globe.  Seriously...who doesn't want to make that kind of impact???   Even with the high price she paid, her commitment to others is ten fold.

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness,heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.  ~~Bethany Hamilton

As a parent, I know that even with all the best intention, I am an imperfect person.  To be real honest, I wouldn't want my kids to follow a lot of the things I've done.  My hope is that they will see me for what I am now and not how I got here.  I will encourage role models that they welcome into their lives because I know that the impact of peoples actions can be more motivating than Mommy yapping about what they should and shouldn't do.  As the old saying goes....actions do speak louder than words.....even if they are someone else's actions!  Get that ball rolling!!!

Lesson #20. Make a big deal out of the (good) little things.

Yesterday, Alice turned 6!  She had a fun day all around and fell into bed already half asleep before bedtime. Our goal for the day was that she know how much we love her, value her and how extremely special she is.  We wrote messages on our van, decorated the house in pink, and I even tried my "no-so-Martha-Stewartish-hand" at a princess Barbie cake!  Nothing was expensive or hard to do, but it took effort.  Most importantly, it took knowing our little girl and what she would love to make this day special for her.

We hear it all the time, don't we? Don't sweat the small stuff.  Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Valid messages, but what about when the little stuff is GOOD? I agree that when you over analyze or dwell on a negative that it grows legs.  Meaning that losing perspective on a small issue by talking it over and over or thinking about it too much makes a little thing bigger than it is.  It allows that little issue too much space in our life.  In the long run, it creates negativity and sour feelings over things that shouldn't be given that much energy.  

Let's not minimize a birthday, because I think most of us already know that those are a pretty big deal.  I'm talking about celebrating little moments with gusto.  Showing the people we love that we have noticed them and want to celebrate them.  Do things for your friends and family that shows that you've noticed what's important to them.  Ask how their day was and really listen.  Don't just tell them you love them....show them.

A while back, I started something with my daughters that is so simple, but it means a lot to them.  Every Monday or Tuesday, after dinner, I take one of them to go run a few errands. We rotate back and forth weekly, they keep track so I don't have to.  The errands aren't anything more than running to Wal-Mart or the craft store though sometimes we'll stop at McDonald's for an ice cream cone.  It never lasts for more than a few hours, but with three kids in the house, they long for one on one time.  At first, the one who stayed home would pout and stomp around because they didn't get to go, but it was quickly resolved once they saw the routine being created.   I figured out what was important to them and did it! 

With my husband, I find that staying a step ahead of him is what he notices.  When I take his truck and it's low on gas, I'll fill it up.  If he's mowing the lawn, I'll have tea waiting on the porch.  I love when he asked me for something or mentions that he has an errand to run and I can tell him it's already done.  It's cheap, it's easy, but he notices that I thought of him.  


Feeling appreciated and loved is like fuel for our soul.  Positive reinforcement works.  Wouldn't it be a better if more people focused on and celebrated the positive things in life rather than the negative?  Wouldn't you be more motivated by celebrating small accomplishments rather than hearing about your mistakes?   And frankly, people already know what they need to work on and it probably already takes up too much space in their head.  Most us have the tendency to digest the negative and feel embarrassed of the positive.


Well, I say, heck no!  I'm not going to spend my time telling what your doing wrong.  I'm going to celebrate the A on your spelling test and the good attitude you had when you cleaned your room.  I'm going to make a big stinking deal out of your birthday and Valentine's day and maybe even President's day.  Who knows, maybe you will be president some day!